What type(s) of siblings do you have at home?
Type 1 = Oil & Water Siblings
We all have that story about a co-worker or classmate where no matter how hard we tried, we could never get along with them. As much as we might not want to admit it, there is the chance your children have personalities that just don’t naturally get along. If you find yourself in this situation and have two siblings who are as different as night and day, there are still things you can do.
Type 1 = Oil & Water Siblings
We all have that story about a co-worker or classmate where no matter how hard we tried, we could never get along with them. As much as we might not want to admit it, there is the chance your children have personalities that just don’t naturally get along. If you find yourself in this situation and have two siblings who are as different as night and day, there are still things you can do.
- The first need is to recognize that they are different. Do not burden them with the fantasy they should be BFF’s forever. Make sure they know you appreciate their differences.
- Despite their differences, they will be spending a lot of time together and they will need to find common ground so that they can get along. Explain to them that throughout their lives they are going to meet people where they won’t have a lot in common, but they will have to find a way to work together. You may need to step in and assist them depending on the depth of their personality conflict. Have them work together to find something they both enjoy. Once they identify those activities, have them set aside time every day to play together.
- The great thing about enjoying different things is you have the opportunity to share your passion with other people. Allow your children time to teach each other why they love what they love. Kids might be hesitant to share if they think they will be made fun of, but you can set up the environment so they have the opportunity to learn from each other. Through that learning they can learn appreciate each other’s differences and develop an appreciation to be open to new things.
Type 2 = The Boss
The Boss has a natural tendency for order and rules, so chances are without the normal routine of the school year they are feeling a little out of sync.
The Boss has a natural tendency for order and rules, so chances are without the normal routine of the school year they are feeling a little out of sync.
- As parents, we need to appreciate this need within our child for order and rules. We can do this by looking for opportunities to allow The Boss to be in charge - i.e. can they pick what’s for dinner one night a week? Can they be responsible for clean up time and delegate (nicely) jobs for everyone to do to get the job done faster? Look for simple ways throughout the day to allow The Boss to make decisions and/or be responsible for specific jobs.
- If The Boss is the older child, they likely remind the younger children of rules, manners and ways of behaving, which often triggers the response “You’re not the Mom!”. Recognize your older child for being mature enough to have already learned this lesson and show them your appreciation. However, you should also let them know that you don’t hold them responsible for enforcing these rules with the younger child. If they see it happening, they can give a gentle reminder and then let it go. Give them permission to choose to leave the situation or if they feel the transgression is dire enough, they can come to you.
- If The Boss is the younger child, they may be trying to get the older child’s attention to get them to play with them. Remind your younger child that they need to ask nicely and play nicely if they want someone else to play with them. It’s never to early to share the golden rule “treat others how you wish to be treated”. Opening up these lines of communication with your younger children will help them start to understand how their words and actions impact other people.
Type 3 = I’m Bored
“I’m bored” is a natural reaction for our kids to have. Think about it, for most of their lives kids are being told where to go, what to do, how to act, what to eat, etc, etc, etc. It is rare they have a day stretched out in front of them with no birthday parties or sports games or family obligations. When those days do happen, it’s no surprise our kids are a bit overwhelmed and confused at what their next move should be. It’s almost as if they need us to teach them how to plan their free time.
“I’m bored” is a natural reaction for our kids to have. Think about it, for most of their lives kids are being told where to go, what to do, how to act, what to eat, etc, etc, etc. It is rare they have a day stretched out in front of them with no birthday parties or sports games or family obligations. When those days do happen, it’s no surprise our kids are a bit overwhelmed and confused at what their next move should be. It’s almost as if they need us to teach them how to plan their free time.
- Start by sitting with them and helping them make a list of new things to do. Write this list down in a place where they can easily refer to it. Challenge them to think of one new thing a day to add to the list. Often we have our best ideas when we are pushed to our limit and forced to figure things out. Being bored is no exception.
- During the summer break, it’s also possible our kids aren’t feeling as challenged as they do during the school year. They enjoy being challenged. They like learning new things and growing on a daily basis. Feed their need to learn something new every day. Challenge them to make a list of people, places, animals, plants, sports or food they are interested in. Then head to the library or use online resources to research the topic. After diner report back to the rest of the family what they learned.
- Our kids are so accustomed to constant motion and stimulation, that we may need to teach them to appreciate quiet time. Quiet time does not have to feel like a library (though it could be a time when the entire family reads their own book). Quiet time could be where they write in a journal or draw or makeup stories or color. We need to counterbalance screen time and our schedule activities with time to relax, unwind and be still.
Type 4 = Mama is in Control
When we look honestly at the root of sibling arguing/fighting, we have to be honest with ourselves about how we contribute to the situation. If we are constantly stepping in to resolve conflict, or automatically assuming one of the kids is always the bully/victim, then we need to take a good hard look in the mirror.
Regardless of what “type” fuels the majority of your sibling arguments, you must always look beyond the argument to identify the raw need that your child is trying to express. What you see on the surface t is rarely the actual root of the problem. This can be tricky to pinpoint, especially when all we really want is our kids to stop arguing! If you want the love and support from other moms in figuring out what your kids need, pop on into the Facebook Group here.
When we look honestly at the root of sibling arguing/fighting, we have to be honest with ourselves about how we contribute to the situation. If we are constantly stepping in to resolve conflict, or automatically assuming one of the kids is always the bully/victim, then we need to take a good hard look in the mirror.
- We need to arm our children with the communication tools they need to handle the situation between themselves and then step away. You may need to be there the first couple times to facilitate their discussion, but then you need to let them work it out.
- Once we have done that, we need to do our best not to have a knee jerk reaction and run into the situation at the sound of every trouble. This is so difficult for us and something that will take a lot of practice, but we must do it.
- If the situation escalates and we have no choice but to walk in and break it up, then we must do so with as little emotion as we can muster. We need to remember our emotion will only serve as gasoline to an already fiery situation. We must walk in with the mindset that we are neutral and not get sucked into whatever transgression they believe has occurred. Your mission is to go in, diffuse the situation and get out - just like any good superhero would do.
Regardless of what “type” fuels the majority of your sibling arguments, you must always look beyond the argument to identify the raw need that your child is trying to express. What you see on the surface t is rarely the actual root of the problem. This can be tricky to pinpoint, especially when all we really want is our kids to stop arguing! If you want the love and support from other moms in figuring out what your kids need, pop on into the Facebook Group here.
