As I mentioned a couple weeks ago, I’ve been tidying up and evaluating the things surrounding me to see if they bring me joy.  I love the results, there is something so satisfying about walking into an organized closet.  And while I am excited to tidy up more areas of my home, my kids don’t share the same enthusiasm.  
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Earlier this week, I looked around the living room to find an array of pajamas, socks, t-shirts and shoes.  How had all of this stuff accumulated down here?  How many times do I have to remind them?
My normal reaction is to teach/discipline the kids, so they take responsibility, and this doesn’t happen again.  Usually that works for a day or two, but then we’re right back where we started.  So, I go back again, teach/discipline the action and see little improvement.  At this point I start to wonder, what am I doing wrong as a parent?  Why isn’t this message sticking?  Why is it so hard for my child to remember such an easy task?  Is there something wrong with them?  As you can see, once you start down this path you can quickly spin a simple situation into a crisis of character. 

Instead of continuing this cycle that kept generating the same results, I took a step back to learn more about my reaction.  In her book, The Awakened Family, Dr. Shefali has an entire chapter dedicated to “The Invisible Triggers of Our Reactivity”.  She explains as a culture we accept the idea our children are meant to trigger or challenge us.  This idea is so ingrained in our culture; we don’t question it.  As a result, we end up react to them in “robotic ways”.  In other words, we allow our reactions to happen without giving them much thought.  Dr. Shefali goes on to say (on page 35):

“Our children are just being who they are.  They aren’t interested in inciting us to fury or causing us guilt or anxiety.  Quite the opposite: They function from their own internal state, which really has nothing to do with us.  However, because we carry so much emotional pain, they inevitably ignite a firestorm within us at times.  None of this is intentional, but is a result of our own lack of wholeness.  We are triggered not by their behavior, but by our own unresolved emotional issues.”

At this point you may think I am a little crazy – how is my reaction to a few clothes left on the floor related to my “unresolved emotional issues”?  Stay with me.  Let’s follow the train of thought – Why does it make me so crazy to see clothes on the floor, don’t they see I am just trying to keep the house cleaned up?  If they don’t clean up after themselves now, how will they live on their own?  Their apartment is going to be a mess.  I know I have asked for these clothes to be picked up – why don’t they listen to me?  They don’t listen to me because they don’t appreciate all the things that I do for them.  They’re so ungrateful – how can they be so insensitive?  I want to raise them to be kind, nice people not insensitive monsters.  I’m totally screwing this up.  They are going to be completely unprepared for real life unless I can fix this now.

This inner dialogue may be slightly exaggerated to show how we often build on a simple situation and make it about something much more.  Is it about listening, cleanliness or insensitivity?  Or are you worried about their messy future apartment?  As Dr. Shefali says in the quote above, children are in their own minds.  The fact that they do/don’t do something is only related to where they are at in that exact moment, no more and no less.  You are the one making this is a big deal. You are the one piling on additional emotion and unrelated issues to the scenario.

So where do you go from here?  The clothes still need to be picked up and you don’t want to be the one to do it all the time.  This is where expectations and boundaries come in.  First, become really clear on what your expectation is.  In this scenario, your expectation may be that the kids help pick up after themselves.  Second, set a boundary.  How often do you want this expectation to be met - daily, every other day, weekly?  Communicate the boundary as a minimum requirement for living in the house, as something that needs to be done and strip all the emotion from the discussion.  The hardest part may be in the enforcement of the boundary because you must remain both consistent and neutral.  If you have decided it is a daily task, then you must enforce it as a daily task.  As Dr. Shefali likes to say, don’t be “wishy-washy”.  Along with consistency, you must be neutral/unemotional while enforcing the boundary.  You will get resistance, when you do you need to hold the line and not let it bother you. 

My friend’s son is a college freshman.  The second week of school, he called his mom “You would not believe how messy my roommate is!  His clothes are everywhere, he has dirty dishes on the counter, it’s disgusting!”  Was this the same son she had battled with throughout his high school years? Your kids are listening, even if it doesn’t seem like it in the moment and worrying today about their future living conditions is wasted energy.  Somehow, they’ll figure it all out.

JOY-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

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*Originally posted 12/7/13
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Before I became a parent, I had a list of “I’ll never’s”.  They went something like this:
I’ll never…..
…..let my child wear shorts, a t-shirt and flip flops in the middle of winter.
…..say “Because I said so.” Or “Because I’m the Mom.”
……let my kids eat junk food.  They’ll always eat three square meals a day with lots of fruits and vegetables.
…..let my child procrastinate on homework, we’ll never wait until the last night to finish a project.
…..let my child wear their Halloween costume out in public, unless it’s Oct 31st.
…..stifle my child’s personality, I’ll give them the freedom to be who they are meant to be.
 
Maybe some of these sound familiar and I bet there are a few others that you would add to the list.  The shocking reality is that once you are in the middle of it, many of the things you thought you would do go out the window.  There’s a lot more compromise involved than you may have expected.  Many days it’s just about survival – getting out the door, going through the grocery store, eating something (anything) or making it through bath time. 

Not sticking to your original intentions shouldn’t be judged as good or bad, circumstances change and compromises are reached.  You always have another shot, the next meal or outfit, to handle the situation differently.  

Some scenarios are not so cut and dry, especially when your child starts to develop their personality.  Currently I have a Social Butterfly and a Comedian.  On their own, there are wonderful advantages to these personalities.  The ability to talk to anyone, make friends easily and always have something to say will be traits that will serve her very well throughout her life.  My Comedian intuitively reads a situation and will try to lighten the mood or cheer you up by doing something funny. If he can continue to base his response to someone based on the mood of the room, it will benefit him in every aspect of his life.
 
The challenges with these big personalities usually come at the end of the day when it’s time to do homework or settle down for the night.  Everyone involved, kids and parents, are a little more tired than usual and patience is almost on empty for the day.  Managing the balance of personality and what needs to get done, is a daily task.  Some days it easy and some days it’s really hard.  But hopefully, by being conscious of it, you can find opportunities to encourage their personality traits to grow to counter balance those times you have to put the reins on it.
 
Will it work?  I’m not sure, but it’s worth a shot.  For now, the biggest thing I’ve learned is that I’ll never say I’ll never.
 
JOY-FULLy yours, 
Kacey

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