“Am I being too strict?” I asked my friend and fellow parent coach earlier this week.

“Or am I being too lenient? Am I being overprotective? Should I be more concerned about her well-being and safety in this situation?”

My internal questions that had been living only in my head, poured out into our conversation.

She listened patiently, allowing me to get it all out. And then she asked me one simple question:
“What is it that she needs?”

“Analysis Paralysis” was originally posted on January 25, 2014
My full-time job, aka my “professional” job, in its most simple state requires that I use performance metrics to tell a story of what is going on in the business.  By analyzing and evaluating the numbers the story can be either positive, negative, or somewhere in between.  When I present these numbers to a client, someone always wants to dig deeper.  It usually goes something like “This information is good, but what if you look at performance on every other Tuesday, between the hours of 9:30 and 11:15, only in months ending with a y.”  When you hear the dreaded words “what if”, you know the meeting has just derailed and may never get back on track.  
In what I call my all-the-time job, aka being a mom, I am also faced with numerous situations where I have to analyze and evaluate situations and then provide recommendations for the next action.  Though they sound like the same task, they’re obviously very different.  As a mom you analyze, evaluate, and respond in a matter of seconds.  No time for pretty charts and there aren’t weeks to prepare, you’re in the thick of it and you have to respond.  You have some “data” to refer to – usually a conversation you had with a friend or an article you read online – but for the most part you go with your gut.  Often the analysis and evaluation happen after when you are replaying it your head.  Suddenly I am on the other side of my previously dreaded “what if”.
Many of the great things that surround us every day are the positive result of someone saying, “what if”.  However often what happens is that “what if” can lead you to asking more and more questions and reading more and more articles.  Then you hit a point that I call analysis paralysis.  You are surrounded by so much information that you are literally paralyzed and unable to move forward as no answer seems to be 100% right.  Analysis paralysis can also be where you just keep gathering data and never act on it.  You think that after you get the answer to x, then you’ll have enough to move forward.
But guess what, the good news and the bad news is that life moves to fast to get stuck in analysis paralysis.  It’s bad news because you’ve got to pick a road and go for it.  It’s good news because you’ll realize quickly if you have to adjust your course, so you tweak it and keep going.

Seven years later, I’m still evaluating and questioning. It can appear to be never-ending and repetitive, but it is not. Every decision is a step on a spiral staircase, grounded in knowledge from the steps before. The good news is there are a lot of steps. You have countless opportunities to get it right, get it wrong, to learn, and do it different next time.  

Asking yourself, “What is it that he/she needs?” can put a new slant on “what if…” or “am I being” questions. You may think the situation is best served by setting the right rules or expecting a certain type of behavior. While these are important, it will also help to look at your child to see where they are stuck. Why are they struggling and how can you meet them where they are at?   
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The blog from 2014 ended with four questions we can ask when we are faced with any big decision:
What if you stop worrying and trust your gut?
What if you stop stressing out and slow down?
What if you stop beating yourself up and forgive yourself?
What if you take a deep breath and relax?
   
Heart-FULLy yours, 
Kacey

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Photo by Ryan Searle on Unsplash

What a year it has been, and we are only ten days in. I knew saying “Happy New Year” wasn’t really going to really change anything, but I had hope.

Instead of new beginnings, my kids went back to online school (after 3 months in person) and we saw social unrest like we never have before. Both reminders there is still a lot of healing to do.

It’s exhausting. The mental load on parents is exhausting. The social stress on our kids is exhausting. And I won’t even try to pretend I know the bone deep exhaustion of healthcare workers, activists, teachers and so many others who have been working tirelessly for months.

It is a lot.

Yet, we have to keep going. If you are struggling in any way, please reach out. We do not have to go through this alone. It is not a sign of weakness. Let’s be here to support each other and we will get through this.

It’s hard to believe I’ve been writing the blog for over seven years. I have grown so much, and obviously so have my kids, that I thought it would be fun to revisit some of the blogs and see how I would expand on my advice.

“Instant Replay” was originally posted on January 4, 2014:
My five-year-old is a sports nut, anything that has a ball he wants to play, watch and then play some more.  Anyone who has watched a sporting event on TV can attest to the fact that nearly every play is followed by an instant replay, often in slow motion.  In the event a replay is not shown, our TV allows us to rewind the play ourselves so that we can watch and re-watch as many times as we would like.  Because of this, every game played in our house, including board games, involves at least one replay showing how the action unfolded.
On one hand, the replay can be a strong teaching tool.  By looking at how we did something, we can look at it again to find areas to improve so that we can do it better/different the next time.  We can also look at the replay of how someone else did something or handled a specific situation and we can learn from them as well. 
On the other hand, the replay can create a never-ending loop that leads to insanity.  Maybe I’m being a little dramatic, let me explain.  The replay also used in our house for each child to recount the grave injustice that their sibling has committed against them.  After the initial replay, I am provided with the camera angle from the other child’s perspective, which naturally tells a slightly different story.  Unlike the replay official, I don’t get to go hide under a hood to think about and decide which camera angle shows it best.  I have to make an immediate decision to diffuse the situation as quickly as possible.  Like any sporting replay, my rulings on the field are usually met with cheers from some fans and groans from others.  The most important part is that play resumes.
Play resumes.  They keep going and within minutes the incident is all but forgotten (or replaced by the next replay).  They learn from it, accept it and move on.  If only it were always that easy - but who’s to say it always has to be as complicated as we make it?
One last thing don’t forget that when you pull together all the replays and keep the best ones, you get a highlight reel.   

Some things don’t change. My five-year-old is now twelve and still a sports nut. Replaying certain plays that happened during a game is still a regular occurrence, as is replaying funny Tik Tok videos or songs to learn the latest dance. Fortunately, now that the kids are older, I spend less time as the referee, but there are still days I find myself wishing I could hide under the tent.

What I would add is it is easy to get stuck in a replay. How many times do we rerun situations from work or relationships in our heads? Do we call our close friends to recount each detail of a story where we were wronged? In the thinking or retelling, we keep the memory alive. Yet, no matter how many times we go over it, the outcome will never change.

The key is how we move forward. We can’t keep reliving, regretting or repeating the replay.

If you find yourself in a replay loop, follow these four steps as a guide to get back on track:

• Reconnect with yourself. Check in with your heart to remind yourself of who you are, what is important to you and what you stand for.
• Respond with love and compassion. Often the person most in need of that love and compassion is yourself.
• Release any lingering anxiety or concern you have over the situation. The moment has passed. Let it go.
• Relax in the knowing you did the best you could at that time. When a new opportunity arises, you can now handle it in a different way.

Remember throughout it all to be gentle with yourself and others. These continue to be unprecedented times and we need to support each other however we can.

Heart-FULLy yours, 
Kacey

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Image by Keith Johnston from Pixabay