“When You Factor in Family Duties, the Average Working Mom Works 98 Hours a Week
Proof positive we work way too much.”
 
This headline, along with the picture of a woman asleep in front of a computer, glasses askew, screamed a me from the screen.  I stopped scrolling.  What could these moms be doing that they were working an astounding 98 hours a week?  I clicked through to the article to find out.
 
Posted on workingmother.com, a site I’ve always found reliable, I found more details.  The article begins (verbatim):

"Working moms, and moms in general, don't get enough credit for all that they do, which is pretty much work all the time, even when they're not getting paid. For anyone out there who doesn't understand just how diligent you are, or why you always look so darn tired all the time, you'll want to show them this: new findings that sum up just how many hours you really work per week."

When I read this paragraph, everything about it rubbed me the wrong way.  Are moms not getting enough credit?  What kind of credit are we looking for?  Everyone in my life has always acknowledged how hard it must be to juggle it all.  Then the authors say “not getting paid”, a subtle reinforcement that motherhood should be viewed through the lens of a traditional job with a salary.  And then to top it all off they refer to the people in your life who have no clue why you are tired.  Serious?  Are there people in a working mom’s life who question why you look tired all the time?  SMH 
 
The article goes on:

"Welch's recently commissioned a study of 2,000 American mothers with children ages 5 to 12. It aimed to discover the useful tools, resources and techniques moms use to keep their lives and their family's lives afloat. Their most astounding finding: the average working mom clocks in a 98-hour work week, with her day typically starting at 6:23 a.m. She doesn't end up finishing her work or family duties until 8:31 p.m., meaning she works 14 hours per day."

According to the U.S. Department of Labor, there are over 35 million working moms and for this study they interviewed 2,000.  As someone who works with data all week long, this is a red flag as this is a tiny sample representing a massive population.
 
Next, they state these moms have children ranging from ages 5 to 12, which was odd to me because these kids become more independent, taking some of the strain off moms.  The study ignores the 0-5 age range, which I believe are the most physically demanding years of motherhood.  When my kids were newborns/toddlers I felt like I was literally “working” around the clock with late night feedings, interrupted sleep and constantly running after them.  Excluding moms of young kids from this study seems like a gross oversight, but I digress.
 
Let’s get to the meat of the study where they reveal the participants on average “work” 14-hour days (14 * 7 days = 98-hour work week).  As I read those numbers, they seem unrealistic, but here’s the irony: my weekdays look a lot like this too.  I get up at 5 and many days don’t stop until 8-ish.  Within those hours I work a corporate job and do “mom-related” work. But I also exercise, get ready, commute to work, run errands, eat meals and find time to scroll through social media.  Is it fair to count all those things as work?  Is it fair to count your weekend as a “work day” just because you are a mom? 
 
This article is extreme to grab people’s attention (and it worked).  It reinforces a mom’s most vulnerable feelings; being underappreciated and exhausted, while feeding the mom stereotype of a self-less, overworked martyr.  What is the point of this article?  Now moms will wake up and expect the next 14 hours to feel like work.  Is that helpful?  Classifying every part of your life as “work” sets a negative tone and will impact your mindset, mood and health.  Besides, did you have a child because you wanted more work to do?  No, you had a child for the love and joy they would bring to your life, not for the items they would add to your to-do list.   
 
We need to change the conversation for working moms because articles like this are not helpful.  Instead of focusing on feeling underappreciated, we need cherish the connection we have with our kids.  Instead of thinking of motherhood as an unpaid career, we need to see it as an internship rich with life-changing experiences.  And instead of feeling alone and misunderstood, we need to tap into the wisdom of the millions of working moms who are living this every day. 
 
Heart-FULLy yours, 
Kacey

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Repost from 2/21/15
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Valentine’s Day used to be so easy – you’d buy a box of small cards with your favorite character and fill them out with the names of your classmates.  Now it’s not enough just to have a cute little card, you also must have a piece of candy, pencil or tattoo.  Some kids (ahem, parents) take it to the next level and hand make 20+ Valentines with decorations, witty sayings and clever “gifts”.  It’s enough to drive a parent crazy!
 
This week in first grade we didn’t have a spelling test due to parent teacher conferences.  So instead I helped the students hand out their Valentine cards.  The teacher (and a helper) had decorated cereal boxes for each student and lined them up in the hall.  One by one each child came out and placed their Valentines into their classmate’s box. 
 
First grade is a special year because the kids can finally address the cards themselves and read the names on each box.  One by one they took out their treasured cards with care, making sure the pencil, candy or sticker was attached perfectly before dropping it in the box.  Most of the girls took their time, not wanting any help, enjoying every moment.  Even the new boy, who doesn’t speak much English, carefully matched the candy with the name and selected a specific pencil for each classmate before dropping it in the box. 
 
It was such a simple task, almost a throw away moment, but reflecting on it now fills me with joy because I know the kids got it.  They understand with their youthful innocence that February 14th is first and foremost about showing someone you care about them.  It really is that simple. 
 
A heart is such a simple shape.  Beneath the simplicity, it is so complex.  Our heart is our life.  It beats faster when we are excited, happy, scared or anxious.  It fills us up with pride, love and emotions.  When we are sad it can feel as if it has literally turned into a stone in the center of our chest.  Our heart radiates these feelings through us like a pebble dropping in a still pond, rippling from the inside out, washing over everyone we encounter.  Our heart talks to us and guides us, if we listen. 
 
Writing about love and hearts is hard to do without quoting a line from a song, movie or book - All you need is love, The Power of Love, Listen to your Heart, Love Actually – the list goes on and on.  The need to feel love, to give love and to try to understand love is universal.  Life without love?  I just don’t think that’s how it is meant to be.  We’re all in this together, to love and support each other through thick and thin.  And if you have any doubts, I know some first graders who can show you the true meaning of friendship, love and caring.
 
Heart-FULLy yours, 
Kacey

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A friend called me earlier this week to vent about the challenges of life with a teenager.  Both of us have freshman girls and though we live hundreds of miles from each other, our experiences are similar.
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The topic of the day was our girl’s new friends. 

“I got so spoiled.  I always knew her friends, their parents, their personality and what I could expect when they hung out together.  I knew some girls were full of drama, but I never protected her from what I knew was going to happen.  She had to figure it out for herself no matter how hard it was for me to sit by and watch.”  She paused.

“I knew high school was going to be harder in many, many ways.  But more than anything, I hear all these new names but have no ability to know who they are.  If I’m lucky I’ll see a picture from Snapchat or catch a glimpse of them scurrying away from their parents’ cars in the morning.  But I don’t KNOW them or have any clue about their parents and it’s just, well, it’s, I don’t know, weird!”
I could relate to what she was saying.  “I think it’s hardest for us because it’s so different than what we’ve become used to.  They have more independence now and I know it’s on me to trust and let go.  It’s not like she’s acting different or her grades are suffering, but I agree with you, not knowing her friends is weird.”

“So, wait until I tell you what happened last week.  My daughter and her friends walked to our house from school.  I’ve met two of the girls before and they were polite, but on this day, there was a new girl with them.  My daughter rushed into the house.  “Taylor’s dad needs to meet you since we’re going to be here longer than ten minutes.”  At first, I was like, what?  But then of course agreed, I offered to Facetime with him if that was easier.  He came by, introduced himself and confirmed I would be at the house while the girls were here.  He was a nice enough guy, but it was super awkward.  After he left, I questioned myself, am I being too lenient?  Should I be this diligent with my daughter’s new friend’s parents?  Do you remember our parents being that protective?”

Her rapid-fire questions got me thinking, there were so many pieces of this story swirling around in my head.  I thought back to my Freshman year, when I too started hanging out with a new group of friends.  Before sitting down to write this post, I texted my mom and asked if she had ever met their parents.  “No,” she texted back, “I’m not sure I ever met them – maybe at graduation?”  That’s what I thought and looking back, there was never any discussion about meeting their parents.  What changed in one generation where parents feel this need to be hyper-vigilant? 

We can all agree keeping our kids safe is our number one priority.  From the time they are born we watch over them, slowly teaching them the skills they need to keep themselves safe.  Small steps are taken, like trusting them to use a fork or play on the floor with their toys while we make dinner.  They learn how to navigate social skills by watching, listening, experimenting and correcting behaviors.  When we teach them how to ride a bike, they literally take safety into their own hands.  There will be bumps, bruises and skinned knees along the way, but we always teach them to get back up and try again.

Looking back at the early years, it’s easy to find these examples.  We have many proud memories of the “first” time they did this or that.  These were accomplishments we encouraged, cheered and pushed our little ones to stretch a little more, knowing they could do it.  We were teaching them to take care of themselves but, didn’t realize we had our own conditions attached. 
Few parents are prepared.  The day comes when your child goes off to school or to a sleepover with a friend or on a class trip and you must trust you have done enough.  It is out of your hands.  Your child is now responsible for their own safety and well-being.  You will likely think they are not ready.  You will likely still want to protect them, but it is time to loosen the reigns.  It’s not fair for us to have cheered and pushed their success only to clamp down at their first chance to put it all into practice. 

JOY-FULLy yours, 
Kacey

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