 Yesterday I hit a milestone – I am officially not cool. I guess that implies I was, at one point, “cool” and that may be a bit misleading, however, before yesterday, in my preteen’s eyes, I was at least tolerable. Now, we have reached the point where being seen with me in public is embarrassing. Sigh, I should have known it was coming, but it caught me off guard nonetheless.
Here’s how it happened, yesterday I had proposed a late afternoon trip to the mall for the kids and I, just the three of us. We’d do a little shopping, have some fun doing the things I always say no to and then end with dinner in the food court. I was going to let them take the lead, going to all the stores they wanted to go to and allow myself to be talked into buying a couple things. In my mind, it would be a fun little adventure. As we got ready to walk out the door, I noticed my daughter was not getting ready. She suggested we just eat dinner at home and that’s when I knew something was up. After a little prodding, she admitted it would be too embarrassing for her to walk around the mall with her mom and little brother. Ouch. At that point, I had to pause for a minute and think how should I react? Should I make her go with us anyway? Should I change the plans to fit what she wants to do? We talked through a couple different ideas and in the end, decided my son and I would go to the mall and bring the dinner back while she stayed home. It was not the outcome I wanted, but this wasn’t about me. I couldn’t dismiss her feelings. I remember how it used to feel when you would walk around thinking everyone is looking at you. As adults, that’s a funny thought, but as a pre-teen it’s very real. I think it’s easy for us as parents to try to rationalize with our kids, explaining to them why they should (or shouldn’t) feel a certain way. We’re tempted to share our experience, as if somehow our story allows them to fast forward through all these normal, awkward feelings. But the only way through the feelings is for them to muddle through them on their own. It’s all just part of growing up and we have to let them do it their own way. Heart-FULLy Yours, Kacey Are you working through a similar parenting struggle? I currently have 2 openings in my 90-day, one-on-one, Parent Coaching Workshop and would love for you to fill one of those spots. Message me or comment below and I can fill you in on all the details.
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 Have you ever had a string of “bad luck”? A time where it seemed like everything in every part of your life that could go wrong did go wrong? Often it starts with a situation that is not immediately solvable – like a stressful situation at work or with a family member. Then while you are in the process of dealing with that main issue, other smaller issues start to pile on top of it. Your child gets sick. You get sick. You have car trouble. Something breaks in your house. It seems like it’s one thing after another, to the point where it might feel like you have a black cloud following you around.
At the time, we chalk this up to bad luck. “How is it that all these bad things keep happening to meee?” we whine, as if we have no control over any of it. But what if we do? It’s easy to understand how a stressful situation puts us in an immediate heightened state, but what we do from that state is what’s important. For example, let’s say you wake up in the morning, happy and refreshed. Your stress level is low, let’s say a 1 or a 2. You get the kids ready for school, there is the “normal” drama around getting dressed and eating breakfast. You may not realize it but your stress level rises slightly to a 3. School drop off goes ok, but as you drive into the office you hit traffic that’s going to make you late. Now you are at a 4. You finally make it to work, exasperated but ready to start your day. The first email you read talks about an urgent issue that needs your immediate attention, your stress level doubles to an 8 and that’s where you sit for the rest of the day. Maybe you get the issue taken care of, which decreases your immediate stress level slightly, but you are still humming around a 7. You drive home (more traffic), pick up the kids (who are moving so slow) and start making dinner (we’re hungry!) – all of which, without even realizing it, have pushed that stress back to 8. That is why when dinner is served and a glass of milk gets spilled, you have an instant reaction (and it’s not good). You’re in the red zone of stress and frustration and you can now also add guilt for your outburst with your kids. How many of us are simmering at a stress level of 7 or higher? Where we are so tightly wound that a seemingly little thing can tip the scales? If everyone is being honest, I think it is far more present than most people are willing to admit. The problem is a high level of stress contributes to all other areas of your life. Your “bad luck” is not random. High levels of stress have a domino effect on your health, on your relationships and on your daily interactions. More times than not, it is reflected in your health – you get sick often, or injured, or both. Most of us know that when we get sick it’s a sign that we need to slow down, but often we feel that there is too much to do and we need to just push through it and keep going. We must do a better job at listening to our bodies. Slowing down for one day is not enough. We might need to change what we are eating, how we are exercising and how much rest we are getting. We need to find ways to get that stress level below a 5. Find something that you really enjoy. Something that makes you happy and try to integrate that throughout your day. Plan for more breaks throughout the day to decompress and relax. If that is not enough, then you have to dig deeper as to why these stressors are having such an impact on you. Journal about why it is stressing you out. What will happen if you don’t do it? Could it be that you are afraid of something? Is that fear realistic or have you made it a bigger deal that it really is? What is it going to take to remove this stress? How can you look at the situation differently? Life’s too short to run around stressed out all the time. That black cloud following you around? It’s actually on a string, that’s in your hand and you have been pulling it along with you this entire time. All you need to do is let go. Start looking at things from a new perspective. Release the stress. Relax. Have fun. Find your joy. Heart-FULLy Yours, Kacey Are you having trouble saying yes to asking for help? Having a coach may be the yes you’ve been looking for. I have two spots left in my 90-day workshop and would love for you to fill one of those spots. Message me or comment below and I can fill you in on all the details.  Mirror, mirror on the wall…. We all know how the story of Snow White and the mirror. The Queen asks the magical mirror a question and it responds by her exactly what she wanted to hear, until Snow White came along. Today, it is the voice in our head that speaks through the mirror, critically pointing out all our physical details we are unhappy with. But what if there are other mirrors in our daily lives, sending us messages we are missing?
We expertly organize our days so that we can fit everything in and often there is no room for things to go any other way than according to plan. It will all work out IF everything runs smoothly. Of course, there are always the external factors, like traffic or delays for one reason or another, but what happens when it’s your children who create the obstacle? This is a mirror moment. What is it about your child that is “creating” the obstacle? Can you look in your child’s mirror and see what they are seeing in this moment? Is it that they don’t want to do it in the first place? If you have ever had a child that has played a team support, you’ve seen the child that is out there just because their parent wants them to play. This child could care less about the game, half-heartedly participates in practice and spends the game asking “When is it going to be over?” or “What did you bring for snack?” As parents, we think we know what is best, without ever checking in with our child to ask them. I started asking my son when he was four years old what he wanted (or didn’t want) to do. You may think that is too young, but he definitely had an opinion. Allowing him to choose and make the decision to participate ahead of time made world of difference in his enthusiasm towards the activity. What if we look in the child’s mirror and we’re not able to determine their point of view? Not every situation is that cut and dry, maybe it’s not one singular activity. Maybe your day with your child resembles more of a constant tug-of-war. Children have been described as mirrors, reflecting back to the parent. Usually we say our child is like looking in a mirror because of physical traits – they look like us or they have our mannerisms or our physical abilities. But what if our children are reflecting our character traits back to us in a way we don’t recognize? Maybe it is us who is the actual cause of the resistance within our children? At first, this may be hard for us to see in the reflection. We are certainly doing things the best we can, but we must be willing to step back and ask ourselves “how am I contributing to this situation?” There is always going to be some resistance, that is just life, but what happens when we look in the mirror for the answer? We may not like the answer that the mirror tells us, but it often offers us the best solution to overcoming the resistance. The mirror also reminds us that our children are not the only ones that are growing. Heart-FULLy Yours, Kacey Are you working through a similar parenting struggle? I currently have 2 openings in my 90-day, one-on-one, Parent Coaching Workshop and would love for you to fill one of those spots. Message me or comment below and I can fill you in on all the details.  In my mind, it was never really a decision on whether we should have more than one child. I have a younger sister and I just couldn’t imagine my own child growing up without a sibling. Siblings are great companions. There is always someone to play with on “boring” days (which is every day, right?) Whenever you go somewhere, whether to a family event or on vacation, you always have someone else by your side. And from a parent’s point of view, living with a sibling teaches sharing, compromise and what it’s like to have to get along with someone even when it’s hard. I thought I had it all figured out.
What I quickly realized after I brought my son home, was that having two kids is nothing like having one. As a first-time parent, there are a lot of days when you feel like you have no idea what to do, so naturally, when the second child comes along you figure, I’ve got this. You think, I’ve done it once, so how hard could it be? Turns out it can be a lot harder. And more tiring. When my kids were 2 and 5, my husband travelled a lot for work. Those were long days. I would work all day, while one was at daycare and the other was at kindergarten. Two different pick-ups, both stops in and out of the car seats. Then by the time we got home, all tired after our long days, it was time for dinner, a little playtime, bath and bed. I admit, on more than one occasion, I had a countdown in my head until the moment the house would be quiet. Bed times were usually the hardest, because like all kids, mine fought tooth and nail to stay up as long as possible. On the other hand, I knew how close I was to freedom and I was anxiously waiting for those little eyes to close. To avoid drama and maximize the ability of one parent, we invented “sleepovers”. One sibling would take the blanket from their bed and arranged them on the floor of the other’s room. This way I could read stories to both kids, while they were settling in getting ready to sleep. When the stories were over, I’d lay on the floor in the room with both of them for a few minutes and then quietly sneak out. Later I’d move the other one back to their bed. And cross my fingers that everyone slept through the night. Having multiple children was exponentially harder than I anticipated it would be. But, with every passing day, the bonds they create and the lessons they learn from each other are priceless. If your kids are still young, hang in there, it gets easier. The days are coming where they will play together, entertain each other and all the long days will have been worth it. Heart-FULLy Yours, Kacey Need parenting support and not sure where to start? Direct message or email me at balancedheartcoaching.com and we'll set up time to connect. |
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AuthorI started writing this blog because I wanted to have deeper conversations beyond "How are you?", "Busy", with other parents. Over the years I've shared personal stories, articles, authors and topics to facilitate conversations with parents about the joys and the challenges of parenting. |
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© 2021 Balanced Heart Coaching
Disclaimer: I may receive affiliate compensation from the resources and websites mentioned on this website.
© 2021 Balanced Heart Coaching