Birthdays are magical. They create lifelong memories. Like my twelfth birthday, my first slumber party, we rented a VCR and watched Annie at night and in the morning. (Possibly, my first binge watching experience.) Or a few years later, when I was in high school, my friends “kidnapped” me and took me to fun dinner at Ed Debevic’s in Los Angeles. There was the time in college where my mom, who lived hundreds of miles away, arrived on my doorstep to take me to a Birthday lunch. And of course, I will never forget my husband taking me to a local wine bar, only to find many of my closest friends, from all stages of my life, waiting for me inside.

These are just a couple highlights from my own birthday. There are probably hundreds of parties and surprises I’ve been involved with for friends and family. Then add in the parties we’ve had for the kids including bounce houses, giant inflatable slides, bowling, painting, mini-golf, games, presents and all the pizza, cake, ice cream and candy you could dream of. And don’t forget the soundtrack of giggles, squeals, laughter and singing that goes along with a great celebration. I could write volumes on my great birthday party memories.

Birthdays give us a reason to celebrate in a rare way that we seem to reserve only for special occasions. Why? Why can’t we celebrate like this more often? We get so wrapped up in the stressors of everyday life. These stressors consume us to the point where we only set them aside if we have a reason, like a birthday, to let go and have fun.

If they bring us so much joy, why only celebrate once a year? Why not multiple times a year? Pick a day, or two or three, where you treat yourself like it’s a special day. This could mean taking the day off work or sleeping in or simply declaring you’re not going to let anyone, or anything ruin your happy mood for the day. Invite your friends to join in the fun. Whether it is at home or doing a fun activity together, you must surround yourself with people who are important to you. Treat this like an honest to goodness birthday party, a true celebration, because only then will you give yourself permission to leave everything else behind and enjoy this time.  Play games, do things you wouldn’t normally do, but most importantly have fun. You’ll know it was successful if in the end you are exhausted, but full of pure joy.   

Heart-FULLy yours, 
Kacey

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Image by Prashant Sharma from Pixabay 

Originally posted 6/6/2015

​What image comes to your mind when you think of the word balance? A balance beam? A stack of rocks? A teeter totter? 

The feeling I get when I think of balance is a little shaky. I picture myself with my arms waving and wobbling, trying to steady myself. 

In the definition of the word balance, they use words like equilibrium and steadiness. One of the definitions is “the equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.”. I think this is the definition we most likely think of when we hear the phrase “Work Life Balance”.

The phrase Work Life Balance implies the need to evenly distribute your time between work and life. From the start, we know that is near impossible.  If you work eight hours a day you would literally have to balance that with eight hours of “life” and, in a perfect world, eight hours of sleep. The math works out, but the reality does not because the life category is not one thing to manage.  Life breaks out into family, household, friends and personal responsibilities.  Finding balance, equal time, for each of these things is overwhelming. I picture a game of Jenga. The blocks carefully stacked and balanced. However, when you start to move the pieces, it starts to teeter, threatening to fall apart.

So how do you get past that feeling that your daily balance is a tower of blocks that is waiting to collapse? First, accept the fact balance is not a perfect mathematical equation. Some days everything falls into place – your work gets done, there’s no traffic, making dinner is a breeze and you get to spend quality time with your little ones. Other days, you’re not so lucky - a big work project means working late or a sick kid means not working at all. As if the stress of days like those are not enough, we put added stress on ourselves by thinking about how out of balance we are on that day. We need to accept balance will look different from day to day and will rarely be equal as the definition implies.

The powerful fact is you get to define what balance looks like for you. For me, it comes down to deciding what is most important to me today. If I had to work later, I spend less time on dinner to maximize time with the kids. Or if there is a book report due, that is nowhere close to being done, it might mean leaving work early and logging in later at night to finish up. 

It’s not always easy, but it’s never too late to look at what is and what is not working. Why is it not working?  How would you like to change it? What is one shift you could make today? Work life balance, or even just life balance, is possible when you are living your own definition.  It doesn’t have to be perfect equilibrium, as long as it feels steady to you.     

Heart-FULLy yours, 
Kacey

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​Photo by Leio McLaren (@leiomclaren) on Unsplash

Did you see the headlines this week? I’m sure you did but for purposes of this discussion I’ll summarize - a handful of rich and famous people were caught paying boatloads of money to falsify their kid’s records in order to be admitted into prestigious schools. There are many layers to this discussion that will be challenged and hopefully improved in years to come.  And while it seems this controversy is all about college admissions, the root of the problem starts long before.  In fact, in most cases, I don’t think parents even realize what they are doing. 

Babies are cute and cuddly, but they really don’t DO anything. We patiently wait for the days when they can build with blocks, or throw a ball, or color on a page. In those proud moments we see a glimmer of talent and imagine they must be doing it better than the other kids their age.

Side bar - You know now that I think about it, I wonder if this really starts in the doctor’s office? From the first appointments we are told what percentile our babies are in height and weight – parents are proud to have babies that are gaining as expected, but could that be setting us up for “performance metrics” in the earliest of days?

But back to our kids, who by now are toddlers and are starting to show preferences in the things they like to do. We encourage them and play along because it’s fun to see their excitement as they grasp these new skills. It’s impossible not to let your mind imagine the possibilities for your child…….. Inevitably the day comes where their effort falls a little short and with the intention of being encouraging and supportive you utter these words:

 “I know you can do better, you have so much potential.”

We have seen them at the peak of their performance, we know they can do it and by encouraging them in this way, we think we are giving them the confidence they need to believe in themselves.   
 
But this word, “potential”, is dangerous, hidden trap for parents. Webster’s defines potential as “possible,”. This is the part of the definition parents think of - reach for the stars, the skies the limit. The second half of the definition of potential is “as opposed to actual”, so together “possible, as opposed to actual”. So, while we are trying to be encouraging, we are at the same time implying that what you are doing right now is not enough. Now you may be screaming, “That’s not what I meant! I’ve seen my son/daughter achieve at a higher level and so I know they can do it.  I’m not asking them to do anything they haven’t already done.  I’m not setting them up for failure because I know it’s possible. I just want to give them that extra push to stretch and achieve all they can.”  These are all very valid statements. I get it, I too was one of those parents who thought I was encouraging my kids when I talked to them about their potential.     

A few months ago, I was at Dr. Shefali’s Evolve conference and she brought up this topic. She explained when we are talking about potential, what we are really saying is the “as is”, or the way things are right now, is not enough. I had never heard an explanation like that before and it stopped me in my tracks. The great play during a game or an A on a test becomes a benchmark of their potential, and as parents we may not appreciate how much importance we place on those moments. I thought back to all the times I talked to my kids about their potential, where I believed, innocently, I was encouraging them. With this new perspective, I can see how I was also sending a message they were falling short and could/should be doing better.

Thankfully, most of us will never get to the point where we are lying and cheating the system to benefit our kids, but that doesn’t mean we are completely innocent. We these extreme cases to examine our own expectations, to look deeper at what we are saying and not saying to our kids. Are we supporting them in their daily efforts, no matter if it’s to “their potential” or not? Are we listening to what they have to say about their own effort and performance?

You may read this and think this is a passive parenting. You may believe kids need the extra push and the structure only a parent can impart. I would encourage you to challenge your beliefs and the next time you feel you must “be the parent”, ask your son/daughter what they think.  Listen carefully, what is driving them? How do they really feel?  Resist the urge to offer your perspective and affirm to them that how things are right now are just fine. This type of parenting can actually empower your kids to trust in themselves and their intrinsic abilities more than any outside person or organization can ever do.

Heart-FULLy yours, 
Kacey

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Photo by Taha Mazandarani on Unsplash

It is beginning to feel like Spring.  We may be a couple weeks away from the official start of spring, but the signs are all around us.  The days are starting to get a little warmer, trees and flowers are starting to bloom.  Many of us just sprang forward with our clocks so the sun will stay out longer each day.  In our house the start of Spring also signals the start of a couple event-filled months.  Spring baseball and softball keep us busy with practices and games multiple nights a week.  The school year enters its final quarter and it’s a race to complete projects, concerts and various other school activities.  Even at the office, new projects seem to be appearing with tight deadlines and high expectations.
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In short, Spring signals action and it’s about to get really busy.

Just thinking about the things that are about to happen makes my heart quicken and my shoulders tense.  Busy schedules often lead to feeling of overwhelm and can trigger feelings of anxiety.  Have you ever looked at your schedule for the upcoming day and anticipated how exhausted you’re going to feel at the end of the day?  You end up stressed out before the day even begins. 

Imagine a pot of water on the stove.  Cold water will take longer to boil than warmer water.  Similarly, if your internal “temperature” (aka stress, anxiety, overwhelm) is already warm to start the day, will only take a couple triggers to hit your boiling point (or freak out mode).  If you can start the day cool and calm those stressors will have a lower overall impact.

I’m sure you’re thinking that analogy is easy to talk about now, but how am I supposed to stay calm when my day is crazy busy, and it feels like I can’t possibly fit in one more thing?  Many parenting experts talk about the importance of self-care - which instantly conjures up images of massages and pedicures and other delightful things busy parents don’t have time for.  However, I’m here to tell you self-care is so much more than that and is at the core of surviving busy days.  Self-care can be going for a walk or taking a few quiet minutes for yourself between meetings.  Self-care is taking a moment to step away from the schedule that is ruling your day and take a couple deep breaths.    Self-care can also be drinking your coffee, singing your favorite song at the top of your lungs, eating an apple, reading a chapter of a book, sending a text to a friend, exercising or doodling a picture.  Self-care an opportunity to reset, to dial back the temperature of your internal pot of water and reduce the likelihood of reaching your boiling point.

Self-care is great when you are in the thick of it, but do you ever stop to think how you got so busy in the first place?  For many of us, it’s easy to say yes to things.  Sometimes we say yes out of obligation and sometimes we say yes because we feel bad saying no, either way, it’s a fast way for our schedules to fill up in the blink of an eye.  What we don’t often consider is with each yes, we are also saying no to everything else that conflicts with that yes.  Logically we are aware of this trade-off, but rarely do we call it out in this way.  When we are overscheduled, we miss out on the spontaneity a Spring day can bring.

There is a feeling of new energy and liveliness this time of year.  We naturally feel the buzz in all aspects of our lives and with a little extra self-care and carefully choosing what we say yes to, we can truly enjoy this beautiful season.

Heart-FULLy yours, 
Kacey

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Have you ever stopped to think why you cross paths with the people you meet every day?  I believe there are no accidents and everyone you meet is meant to be in your life, be it a fleeting moment or a life time.
 
Less than a year ago, I was at a writing retreat and met five amazing women.  We came from opposite ends of the world, from Australia to Alberta, and a few cities in between.  Our ages and experiences are vastly different, but we all have a story to tell.  These women are the friends I never knew I needed, but now couldn’t imagine my writing journey without them.
 
One of those women is Dr. Jody Carrington and she is the first of the group to launch her wonderful book into the world.  Dr. Jody is a child psychologist, motivational speaker and mom of three.  She wrote “Kids These Days” primarily for educators, those that spend more time with our kids each week than we do, but the wisdom in this book is for parents too. 
 
Dr. Jody believes we are all wired for connection, but our busy lives, increased use of screens and bigger living spaces have led us to be more disconnected with the ones we love and live with every day.  We tell our kids to go to their room to cool down (guilty) or text our teenagers to come downstairs for dinner (also guilty).  She uses the chapters of this book as a “game plan for (re)connection with those we teach, lead, & love”.
 
Have you ever wondered why your kids act like angels for their caregivers, but have major meltdowns when they are home with you?   The reason, Dr. Jody explains in the book, is because our children look to us to learn how to emotionally regulate their feeling and behaviors.  In fact, she goes so far to say emotional regulation is the only thing parents need to teach their kids.  She describes it best:
“Emotional regulation means staying in the window of tolerance (during times of distress) versus not losing your friggin’ mind when things get tough or when things get too exciting.  And the only way you learn emotional regulation?  You guessed it: through relationship.” 
 
She goes on to give a great example:
“Think about what happens when you hear a baby you love, start to cry.  Your likely response is to pick the baby up to try to soothe her or him…..Not surprisingly, we rarely give up after we have tried a thing or two to get them to calm down.  For example, we wouldn’t say to our four-month-old baby, after we tried every trick we know to soothe them and they’re still crying, “Hey baby, you’re making a bad choice,” or “Show me when you’re ready and then I’ll talk to you again.”  But we do this all the time when they get older; we stop helping them regulate their emotions.”
 
I have been guilty of doing this, especially when your kids have moments where they show they can regulate their emotions.  When they backslide and lose it, you’re caught off guard.  In those moments, I totally overlooked what was happening right in front of me, my child was overwhelmed with the emotions they were feeling and didn’t know how to react.  I had to lead by example, not by punishment.  Dr. Jody continues:
“The important part, however, is the more times we assist our kids in regulating emotion when we are with them (to show them how to do it), the less they will require assistance to self-regulate when they’re not with us.  The more you can regulate them in your presence, the less they will require somebody to do that for them in your absence.”
 
She also has a section in the book where she describes some of the most challenging kids.  One group she refers to as Caillou™ kids, those kids where there is always something wrong and they ask their teachers a million questions a day.  These kiddos can sometimes be labeled as “attention seeking”, but Dr. Jody suggests instead thinking of them as “connection seeking”.  Another group, she describes as Flat Stanley™ kids.  While working in a local hospital, one of her Flat Stanley™ patients asked her if she knew “Mad was just sad’s bodyguard”.  How many times have we seen our own kids get angry for what we think is no reason and never realize there may be a sad moment triggering it all?
 
It always comes back to (re)connection.  We must make the time in our schedules to enjoy each other’s company and just spend time together.  It’s often in those moments when your kids start to open up and reveal what is going on inside their heads.
 
“Kids These Days” is just a small slice of the powerhouse that is Dr. Jody Carrington.  Follow her on Facebook and Instagram where she shares so much of her wisdom every day and broadcasts live Sunday nights.  If you are a teacher, school administrator, office staff or counsellor,  “Kids These Days” was written for you and I hope you’ll check it out.
 
Heart-FULLy yours, 
Kacey

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Photo by Daria Obymaha from Pexels