Can we really teach our kids how to be a good friend? Once they get into social situations, they will quickly learn what is acceptable and what is not. They will see that grabbing a toy out of a friend’s hand leads to a much different reaction than if they share their snacks. As the dynamics get more involved your children have a choice, fit in with the crowd or stay true to who they are. How will they decide? No matter how much parental advice you give them, they will have to figure it out on their own.
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We can all agree a big part of friendship is behavioral, you have to act “right” to be a friend. But when you start to think about it, you realize a big part of friendship is also intrinsic. There is an attraction to each other you don’t always feel with everyone you meet. Case in point, you can’t force someone to be your friend. Similarly, there are people you just don’t connect with no matter how hard you try. So, it makes sense to think there is something about friendship that is largely out of our control. It is about being in the right place, at the right time. It’s the luck of a softball draft that puts you on the same team or the lack of skill that sits you both on the bench together. It can rarely be planned. Often when you are desperately seeking a friend, because of a move or new job, you won’t always find them if you try too hard.

What if our friends are our true “soulmates”? I can’t remember if I saw a social media post with that question or whether it was a conversation raised by a friend, but it poses an interesting thought. Our culture is obsessed with romance movies, weddings and happily-ever-after when it comes to a romantic partner, but what if your true soulmates are the ones who know you stand beside you through thick and thin? The ones who are not linked to you romantically or financially. Their only “benefit”, if you will, is the companionship of being a good friend.

It’s interesting to watch my kids with their friends. My daughter is in the middle of the emotional social tornado that is high school. Everyone is trying to figure out who they are while figuring out how to fit in, all in the spotlight of social media. My son on the cusp of junior high, starting to see masculine energy playing itself out on the school playground and online games. Equally confusing, yet a few true friends continue to show up with genuine friendship without the machismo the playground demands. I can only watch and hold my tongue (unless they ask for my opinion, which is rare). I sit and wonder, are any of these forever friends? Will they be at their weddings? Will I ever say, remember when you used to come over? Only time will tell.

I don’t think my mom ever wondered if the girls she drove to softball practice would still be riding in my car today. She probably never gave a second thought to the snacks we ate at the kitchen table or the countless Days of our Lives episodes we watched on the VCR. In those moments none of us could have known this was only the beginning, that these weren’t just passing childhood memories. Soulmates can be found in the most unlikely of situations, in the most subtle interactions and may take years to appreciate.

The saying goes “people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime”. I would argue everyone comes into our lives for a reason, it is our true friends who help us to grow and forgive us along the way. The good ones set the bar high, showing us how we deserve to be treated and exemplifying the word friend in every facet of the word. I may not be able to teach my kids how to be a good friend or be able to control those they choose to be friends with, but I can show them by example the friend I am and the wonderful friends I have been lucky enough to have in my life.

Heart-FULLy yours, 
Kacey

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Originally posted 4/26/14
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Every year millions of eggs are boiled, dyed, colored, filled and hidden for the annual egg hunt.  It’s an event that is looked forward to with excitement and anticipation.  During the event there are excited squeals, shouts of victory when an egg is found and a lot of scurrying around.

When you have little ones, the eggs are hidden in plain sight.  Still unclear on the “rules” of the hunt, the children usually toddle around enjoying the excited energy but are not exactly sure what to do.  They may walk right by the eggs or they may pick up only one color.  They may lose interest before all the eggs are found, but they have a good time while it lasts.

As the kids get older it’s more about speed and quantity - who can find the most in the fastest time.  The hiding places get harder.  They are not as easy to find and require a little more patience in looking in every possible nook and cranny.  Yet they race around looking as quickly as the can, only pausing to count the number of eggs they have collected.

As adults we too engage in many “hunts” of our own. 

Do we approach them with the same anticipation and excitement?  Or do we approach them with anxiety, dread and worry? 

Do we toddle around passing up eggs that are in plain site because we are unclear on what we are hunting for?  Or are we hoping a better one will come along if we just keep looking? 

Are we so focused collecting one color that we pass up the opportunity to gather others?  Or are we racing around trying to do things quickly? 

Are we so focused on quantity and speed that we forget what we should be hunting for in the first place?

If you are lucky enough to participate in an egg hunt this weekend with children, enjoy the excitement of the hunt.  There’s nothing like watching the pure enthusiasm, energy and joy of a child.  Watch out, it just might be contagious. 

Heart-FULLy yours, 
Kacey

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Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it.
​~Maya Angelou

I posted this quote on Instagram a few days ago and the response has been amazing (seen by over 2,000 people, with almost 200 likes). Maya Angelou’s timeless words of wisdom will always make people pause and take notice. But I can’t help but wonder if there is more to it. Why does this quote resonate so deeply?

We live in a time where anything we could ever want to know is at our fingertips. Siri or Alexa are standing-by to all our questions. Google can pull up any article, book or video in milliseconds. We have more information than we know what to do with.

Not knowing is not an option, we expect to know everything.

This idea is reinforced culturally in very subtle ways. Telling a white lie is better than admitting “I don’t know”. Mistakes are to be avoided. Being “right” is an accomplishment you fight for so you can leverage it as a source of power. If you fall short in any of these ways, you blame yourself.

Parents have it the worst. There is no shortage of resources created to help you be a “better” parent. But despite them all, we’re led to believe being a good parent should come naturally. As if our experience being a child gave us all we needed to know about raising one. Parenthood is humbling because no matter how much you learn; a new moment can leave you feeling like you know nothing.

We preach to our kids to “learn from your mistakes”. Are we taking our own advice or are we beating ourselves up inside our heads? We give ourselves very little room for error. How many times have you told yourself, “I should have known better,” or “How could I have let that happen?”

The quote starts with the word forgive. It’s hard to forgive others, but it’s even harder to forgive ourselves. It’s easy to get stuck in a moment, replaying our error, but how were you supposed to know it would turn out that way? You’ve never been in that moment, at that time, in that space before. You would never expect a third grader to ace a fifth-grade math test, sure they’ve learned math before, but that doesn’t mean they are ready for every kind of math. So why would we expect that of ourselves?

We logically know we are always learning and growing. But when we waste time dwelling on things that have already happened, we can get stuck instead of moving forward. Every day is a reminder that yesterday’s experience is the foundation for today’s decisions.

I haven’t written anything in this post that should come as a surprise to any of you reading it. It is all common knowledge, yet in the moment it escapes us. These wonderful words from Maya Angelou ring true with so many because it is so easy to forget. Be gentle with yourself. Open yourself up to new experiences. Say “I don’t know”. Find joy in learning. And above all, forgive yourself always.

Heart-FULLy yours, 
Kacey

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 Photo by Lina Trochez on Unsplash

A couple weeks ago I wrote about how Spring usually signals that things are about to get really busy. In our house this week we lived that prediction to the fullest. A track meet, 3 softball games, 3 baseball games and visitors from out of town, it was jam packed and the upcoming week is looking like more of the same. It’s lots of driving, scheduling and days being dictated by my watch and calendar. Not to mention all the other “life” requirements that need to get done regardless, small things like laundry and meals. Just because you are busy doesn’t mean you get to skip feeding the family……I think they would notice. Ironically, this week I also started reading a book called “Do Less: A revolutionary approach to time and energy management for busy moms” by Kate Northrup. Shockingly, I haven’t gotten far in the book, but from what I have read, I can already tell we are kindred spirits.
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Early in the book, Kate writes “Mothers are celebrated for multitasking, and that ability is praised in a lot of workplaces too. In environments addicted to the hustle, doing more is worn like a badge of honor.” I recently spoke about this “badge of honor” in my work-life balance presentation and mentioned it in multiple blog posts (it’s like she’s reading my mind). I’m encouraged the message is getting out and others are talking about it so freely to bring it to the attention of moms.

If you’re not quite sure what I mean, let me give you a common scenario. You’re picking up the kids from daycare and you see a mom friend you haven’t seen in a while. You ask, “How have you been?” She replies, “So busy! Things have just been crazy with work and activities, it seems like we are always running from one thing to the next. Never a dull moment!” You may have a couple more seconds to chat, but inevitably one or both of you has somewhere else to be, so you go your separate ways, shouting “Hang in there” as your parting words of encouragement.

In my experience, this is a very common dialogue between mothers and women in general. We know our friends will empathize with us and validate the importance of our busyness. Kate’s quote above says we are “praised” for being busy, as a result we fill our days to the max. Being a “good” mom who does the “right” things can be measured by how many things we accomplish in a day, right?

Society certainly says that thinking is right, but I say it’s wrong and I’m so encouraged to hear others speaking out too. Busyness is not a badge of honor, but an impossible bar we set for ourselves. We need to be realistic. We need to be forgiving. We need to remember we can’t be all things, to all people, at all times.

Some weeks we are going to be busier than others no matter what we do.  Roll with the schedule. Be gentle with yourself. Don’t stress about the traffic or the time. Take it moment by moment and enjoy it to the fullest. And find at least a short moment for yourself to unwind and reset.

When you are busy time moves quickly. In the blink of an eye, time has passed, and the moment is over. Did you enjoy it or is it a blur that passed you by?

Heart-FULLy yours, 
Kacey

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Image by Ingo Jakubke from Pixabay