This week signaled the end of the school year for most of the kids in our area. It was an ending that no one would have predicted months ago when the school year started. Our 6th grader started his final year of elementary school looking forward to all the traditions he had witnessed from Kinder – 5th, including Memory Night, the last day student teacher volleyball tournament and Clap Out. The Clap Out was the only thing we were able to salvage with a class car parade through the parking lot. We had balloons, signs and played the song “Hey Look Ma I Made It” on repeat as we waved at the teachers, many who have become friends over the years. As we drove out of the parking lot for the last time with our student, there were tears in our eyes. Three months of quarantine created a gap, it is not the same feeling it would have been if we had continued through the last day of school, but it was closure on a significant part of all our lives.
 
I’ve been thinking about the word transition a lot lately. In parenting we talk a lot about toddler transitions, because it is at that age where major meltdowns happen when we move from one activity to another. Toddlers have a difficult time because they live entirely in the current moment. If they are playing with toys, that is all they are thinking of. They are not thinking about “the future” when they have to eat, nap or take a bath. When someone disrupts what they are doing it is very jarring resulting in very visible, and often very noisy, meltdown. A toddler meltdown is visible, so we look for solutions. Parents want to know; how do we fix it? There are podcasts, books and articles on how to ease the transition for your toddler. If you are lucky the methods work, and the meltdowns minimize.
 
Once the meltdowns end, we think a little less about transitions. As our children grow, the emotions of transitions don’t go away, they get more complicated. The end of the school year signals a transition. We usually use school activities to guide us in closing one chapter and getting ready for the next. However, without these traditions as a guide, the school year feels incomplete.
 
We need to help our kids (and ourselves) through this difficult time of transition. They may not be able to verbalize it, but they are grieving their missed school activities. They are missing their friends. They are listening to the news, usually through social media, about the virus, politics, and social injustice. These emotions are surfacing through more mature melt downs over screen time, chores, and seemingly unrelated events.
 
Transitions, by definition, are times of change. Our job as parents is to guide our children through these changes the best way we know how. We don’t have to have the answers, but we must be open to listen to their thoughts and create a safe space to discuss their worries and fears.
 
Heart-FULLy Yours,    
Kacey
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Photo by Louis Renaudineau on Unsplash

Originally posted 5/13/17
 
Earlier this week I posed a question to my Facebook group “What does it mean to BE a mom?”  The answers were very thoughtful.  The women used words like unconditional love, selflessness, dedication and support.  A few words like exhausted, sleepless and hard work were also used in the definition, but for the most part the women’s answers embodied motherhood at the highest ideal.
 
The moms in my group gave heartfelt answers, but we all know there is so much more to it.  When you run into a mom at the store or in the school pick up line, does she talk about how much unconditional love she has had that day?  Probably not.  Does she speak selflessly about all the things she needs to do?  Not likely.  In prior blogs, I’ve written about the badge of honor all moms wear to show how busy they are and how much they are doing for their kids.  When mom’s talk, it much more about what they are DO-ing to be a mom.  Do this, juggle that, run to this practice, the list goes on and on.  There are articles upon articles about what you are doing with your kids, including the “right” questions to ask them after school, what types of books we should read with them and how much time they should spend being physically active.  We are surrounded by examples and advice on what to do.
 
What if we just stopped and sat with our kids?  Let them take the lead, unscheduled and directionless.     
The moms in my group eloquently described motherhood as a state of being.  Their definitions described motherhood as something that you are, not something you do and I think that we can all agree on that.  However, at some point, a disconnect will happen.  You get swept up in the hustle of life and being turns into doing.  Let me explain - as I mentioned before more than one mom included the word selfless in their definition of being a mom.  When you have a child, you happily put their needs before your own.  You merrily go along, being your selfless self - cooking, cleaning, running from activity to activity, picking up last minute items for the project that’s due tomorrow.  
 
In the process of BEing a good mom, you need to DO a lot of things.  Slowly, or not so slowly, the lines start to blur between being and doing - we even have a list to prove it.  The longer the list gets, the easier it is to forget about being and focus only on doing.  And then, if you are anything like me, the more you do the more stress you feel and the more you get separated from the definition of what it is to BE a mom.  The stress and pressure build until you lose it.  You yell or cry or breakdown because what started out as being selfless, turned into overloading your Self with too much to do.  And then you feel guilty because nowhere in the definition of being a good mom do you hear words like angry, frustrated or overwhelmed.  
 
Last weekend I attended the International Women’s Summit in downtown Phoenix.  Among the keynote speakers, was bestselling author, Elizabeth Gilbert.  She talked about one word that is never used to describe women…..relaxed.  The audience agreed that relaxed is not a word we often use to describe our lives.  She went on to explain that we are much more likely to use the word worry, which comes from the Old English word that literally means to wring.  Side by side the feeling of the two words, relaxed and worried, could not be more opposite.  Her point was that when we are relaxed things are simple.  There is no need for worry because when we are relaxed we know that everything is going to be alright.
 
Many of us will celebrate Mother’s Day this weekend and with that comes a lot of doing (gifts, cooking, flowers, phone calls, etc).  Not only are there physical things to do, but you may ask yourself did I do enough for my mom?  Did my kids do enough for me?  Do I feel appreciated?  We cannot escape the doing, but we can turn down the judgement that comes along with it.  Take time this weekend to just sit and be with your kids.  It doesn’t matter what you do or how long it takes, just hang out and be with them.  Everything else that you need to do can wait.
 
Heart-FULLy Yours,    
Kacey
 
Photo by Gaëtan Werp on Unsplash

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What if I told you this was a real news story on a local station…….
 
Hello and good evening, my name is Barbara Walterson broadcasting live. We are at the end of our second month of Sheltering at Home and tonight we’re bringing you a story from the front lines. I must warn you, this story is not for the faint of heart, viewer discretion is advised.
 
Everytown, USA – it started like any “normal” day. Mom was working remotely from home, with her 10-month old son, while dad went off to work. The morning was like most, juggling emails and conference calls between feedings, diaper changes and nap time. Her coworkers loved waving to her son as he played in the background, entertaining himself with his toys and eating his snacks.
 
“I knew I had an important thirty-minute meeting where I was the main presenter,” Mandy Mom Boss shared with our reporter.
 
“I gave my son a fresh bottle and set him up to watch his favorite show. Sixty seconds into the meeting I look over and he is sitting in a puddle of milk on our hardwood floors! My heart started racing. I quickly hit the mute button and stop video on the call, while my boss explained the project to the other attendees. I threw a blanket on the milk and tried to settle my son. He was not having it.”
 
“I scooped him up and rejoined the meeting. I tried to resume my presentation, as if all this were normal. My left hand struggled to advance the slides, while my right hand tried to contain my fidgeting son. I could barely hear myself over my heart, now pounding in my ears.”
 
“After what seemed like an eternity my boss said, ‘Would you like me to drive the slides?’. I’ve never felt such relief, frustration and sadness all in one moment. The meeting finally ended, I collapsed in my chair, shoulders slumped, feeling as if I ran an entire marathon in thirty minutes. My son just looked up at me with his big blue eyes and smiled, knowing he once again had my full attention.”
 
Our hearts go out to the mama in that story. It is a daily scenario for many working parents as they try to hold it together while sheltering at home with our kids.
 
We hear a lot about those on “the front lines” like the first responders, doctors, nurses and grocery store workers. But also, on the front lines are:

• The working parents, who are now faced with a summer without childcare.
• Teachers, who are not only trying to teach, but also learn new technology and strategies for remote teaching.
• The cable/satellite/internet companies because without WiFi we would ALL lose our minds.

 
Earlier this week, I saw an article from a working mom in Canada who was asking their government for help for working parents. While I think that is a great idea, I don’t think this is a situation where a one-size fits all solution is going to work.
 
Parents are going to have to evaluate their situation based on their workload, the ages of their kids and the amount of support they have or don’t have. What do they need: more help around the house, more help at work, more time by themselves to decompress?
 
Clearly define and detail what you need. Tap into what is important and why it is a priority. Only you can evaluate and determine what you need Today.
 
Do not worry about sounding “selfish”.
 
Then ask for help, whether it’s from your boss or a neighbor or a teenager to watch the kids. It might be uncomfortable to ask. You might ask for a schedule that has never been asked for before – that’s ok.
 
Now is the time to redefine Work, Life and Family to align with what feels right for you.
 
Even though the end of this Shelter at Home appears to be near, we still have a long way to go. We know that things are not going to go “back to normal”. We have a chance to create a new normal, one that values and prioritizes people. Let’s make the most of our chance to make a change.
 
Heart-FULLy yours, 
Kacey

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Image by congerdesign from Pixabay