 In an article posted earlier this week by Pew Research Center, Dads are 3x more involved with the care of their children than they were 50 years ago. Does that statistic surprise you? I’m not surprised, many of the dads I know, my husband included, spend a lot of time with their kids. Many dads help coach their teams or are involved in extra curricular activities. Not only that but dads are sharing the responsibilities in taking the kids to school, picking them up, making dinner, helping with homework, reading to them or just playing with them having fun.
There are two things that are surprising to me about that statistic. The first is that this change has happened in a relatively short period of time. Fifty years is sounds like a long time, but it’s only the difference of one generation, maybe two. The cultural tide has been shifting over those years, making it more acceptable for men to be more involved with the children. However, the tide may have been shifting, this is still a pretty big cultural change that openly conflicts with the way things were for a very long time. The second thing that surprises me about this statistic is that if you ask a dad (or any parent for that matter) if they think they spend enough time with their kids, they would probably say no. In fact, in the same study, 63% of the dads felt like they were not spending enough time with their kids. So just to recap, dads are doing more than they were doing fifty years ago, but over half of them still don’t feel like they are doing enough. Where did dads get this perception they should be doing more? Even when faced with the data that we spend more time with our kids, we still think it’s not enough. I wonder why that is? Is it because our days are so scheduled that it’s easy to see what we are doing that takes us away from our kids? When you look at your jam packed daily schedule, it’s easy to critique ourselves on whether we should really spend an hour at the gym, or go to a work dinner, when we “should” be home with our kids. Our parents never felt the responsibility to entertain us, yet somehow, we have taken on this responsibility for our kids. This study serves as proof that dads can let themselves off the hook and believe they are doing enough. Heart-FULLy Yours, Kacey Don’t miss a post – sign up to receive the blog in your inbox every week. Scroll to the top of the page and you’ll see a box to enter your email in the upper right side of the page.
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 “Mom, can you touch your two middle fingers under your thigh and you two thumbs on top?”
I already knew there was no way my hands could make a circle the size of my thigh and still be connected, but I was flattered my child thought there was a chance I could do it. “Nope, see? I can’t do it.” “There’s a girl in my class who can do it, so we were all trying to do it too.” Though I’ve never met her, I instantly envision a petite little girl. How do kids think of these things and why was this a “game” they were all playing in class? A couple minutes later, I hear the shower turn on and from the door I hear: “Mom, when they saw I couldn’t touch my fingers around my leg they laughed and said my legs were jiggly.” I looked around the corner and saw the tears mixing with the drops from the shower. After holding in the feelings from earlier in the day, they were finally said out loud and with them fell tears of sadness and insecurity. I expected this day to come with my daughter, but I was less prepared when the conversation I was having was with my ten-year-old son. I knew what I said next was so important. I paused. My brain whirled through every article and book I had ever read on body image. Seeing his heart broken face, I had to say something, so I told him I had a great big hug waiting for him when he got out. I told him to finish up and we’d talk when he got out. I had bought myself a couple precious minutes to figure out how to say more than “kids are dumb”. Boys and body image is a topic we don’t often talk about, but we should. There is a lot of discussion and resources available for how to talk to our girls about body image, but not so much when it comes boys. The images boys grow up with are centered around physical muscles and strength. Halloween costumes come with built in six pack abs and clearly defined muscles. Video game graphics sculpt characters into beyond human proportions where bigger muscles mean a stronger character that wins more games. Professional athletes star in commercials where they are working out and pushing their body to the max. These messages can be confusing for our boys leading them to believe they need a perfectly chiseled physique to be a successful, powerful man. We know that’s not true, but if we never talk about it, do they? My son got out of the shower, dried off and got ready for bed. As promised, I gave him a big hug and felt him lean in a little more than usual. We started talking about body types and how the differences in people’s bodies actually give them their own unique strengths. We talked about how his legs may look “jiggly”, but those muscles have helped him beat out a close play at first base or leap into the air to catch a line drive that looked like it was over his head. We talked about appreciating our body for all it does and that not everyone is so lucky. We also talked about how this is the one body we get and we must take care of it by eating the right things and exercising. And of course, we can’t worry about what anyone else says or how anyone else looks but we should be proud and appreciate who we are. I was careful not to talk too long, we said what we needed to say and then moved along to something more lighthearted. It was a good start to a very personal topic and now that I have a glimpse of what is going on inside his head, I’ll watch for other opportunities to bring up body image in everyday conversation. It’s easy to slip into the role of parent martyr and think about what I might have said/not said or done to lead to influence his feelings around body image. It’s hard for us to even recognize it’s happening because body comparison is so automatically ingrained in our culture that it infiltrates without truly realizing it. It’s sad to see how kids focus on how we are different instead of how much we are the same. They focus on what they don’t have, instead of what we do. We can help our own children see things differently, if we keep talking about these harder topics as a normal part of our conversation and discussion. I started writing this blog five years ago because I felt there were important topics parents weren’t talking openly about, this week’s topic included. What I didn’t expect was the challenge I would have in both starting the discussion and protecting the privacy of my kids - after all they did not ask for their stories to be shared all over the internet. Prior to writing this week’s blog, I asked my son for permission to talk about our conversation explaining that I thought it would help people. Obviously, he agreed. I hope his bravery in sharing his story encourages you to have a difficult conversation of your own, because it’s through sharing that we learn how to better support ourselves and each other. Heart-FULLy Yours, Kacey Don’t miss a post – sign up to receive the blog in your inbox every week. Scroll to the top of the page and you’ll see a box to enter your email in the upper right side of the page.  Last night I listened as a mom described her experience returning to work after having a baby.
Do any of these sound familiar?
This is the struggle and the joy of the modern working mom. This woman’s story could be the story of any of the millions of moms that head out to work every day. But here’s the thing, this woman I was listening to is not your average working mom, she is tennis superstar Serena Williams. The five-part HBO documentary “Being Serena” follows Serena from her last match at the Australian open (where she won while eight weeks pregnant) to the birth of her daughter and her journey to return to tennis (culminating earlier this week at the French Open). After watching only five minutes, I realized she was bringing a voice to so many of the mixed emotions and mental struggles moms face while they are adjusting to motherhood and having a career. Many of her worries, thoughts and feelings were the same worries, thoughts and feelings so many moms I’ve talked to have had, myself included. But yet, when we are in the middle of it, we feel as if we are the only one. We look around and see all the other moms who appear to be going through their day effortlessly, fitting in every demand of work and family life, all while posting the perfect Insta story in the process. It’s not that easy. Even the greatest female tennis player of all time, who has any resource she could need at her disposal, still struggles with balancing her identity as a mom and tennis player. She struggles to breastfeed. She is torn by the flurry of new emotions. It is not an either or choice for her, it is both and. Serena’s return has also grabbed headlines surrounding her fall in the rankings. Fourteen months ago, before her maternity leave, Serena was ranked number one in the world. Earlier this week she was ranked 453. There have been numerous articles and interviews discussing these antiquated rules and the apparent “punishment” female tennis players experience if they choose to take time off to become a mother. Even in this situation unique to tennis, we can see a similarity in the discrimination many working moms face in the workplace. This example around a player’s rank is obvious and easily quantifiable. Unfortunately, many working moms face more subtle discrimination tactics that are harder to prove, like being passed over for a promotion or not being asked to work on a special project. So, what is a working mom to do? To start, realize you are not alone in the wide range of emotions you are experiencing. It may look like the working moms around you have it completely together, but chances are they are feeling just like you. This is why we need to talk more and share our experiences. You could talk to your spouse, friend, co-worker, Facebook group or even your journal, just don’t keep it all bottled up. These conversations might surprise you in their ability to bring clarity to a situation that has been bouncing around inside your head for weeks. Be gentle with yourself knowing that this might take some time to figure out and it may continue to change, grow and evolve. And finally, release yourself of any and all mom guilt, it doesn’t do you, or your kids, any good. Heart-FULLy Yours, Kacey Are you a working mom struggling to define what “having it all” means to you? I want to talk to you! Comment below or send me an email and we’ll schedule a time to talk. Come join our Facebook group Balanced Heart Moms and join a supportive community of women who share their stories and lift each other up. |
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June 2021
AuthorI started writing this blog because I wanted to have deeper conversations beyond "How are you?", "Busy", with other parents. Over the years I've shared personal stories, articles, authors and topics to facilitate conversations with parents about the joys and the challenges of parenting. |
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© 2021 Balanced Heart Coaching
Disclaimer: I may receive affiliate compensation from the resources and websites mentioned on this website.
© 2021 Balanced Heart Coaching