 Watching your child take their first steps is an experience unlike any other. Carefully they lift their foot, wobbling just a little, but keeping their balance just enough to take the first step. Without realizing it, they throw caution to the wind and go for it. They have no fear of the unknown, even though it is all unknown at this point for them. They push aside any small bit of fear they might have and go for it. First one foot, then the other, the momentum starts to build and usually after a few steps they tumble into the waiting arms of a cheering adult. It is only at that point, when they are safely in your arms, that the wide smile of pride and accomplishment spreads across their face. Everyone is cheering, happy and excited. Moments later the parents realize their lives will never be the same again.
I read an article that said if adults had to learn to walk, most of them would quit because they would not be able to endure the amount of failure needed to succeed. Babies must first learn to sit up without tipping over. Once they master that skill, they try their hand at crawling, which not all babies are able to master. Next comes pulling themselves up to a standing position. They use their legs for the first time to support their weight. They fall over a lot but we stand by clapping and encouraging them. We pick them right back up when the fall and encourage them to keep going. A child has an innate ability to keep trying over and over again. Each time they get a little stronger. They are resilient and undeterred. After they start to walk, something happens and as parents we suddenly get more protective. Now that they are more mobile, there are more opportunities for them to get hurt. Parents start to hover over the child in the name of safety, inadvertently restricting the same daring instincts that helped them to start walking. As a parent nothing pulls at your heart like seeing your child in pain, so we try to control their surroundings. It may start with physically protecting them while they learn to walk, but then it extends to the playground and play dates with friends. Our parental instinct tries to protect our child from feeling pain and shielding them from disappointment. It’s easy to let that instinct go too far. We also know that it is unrealistic to protect them from everything. Eventually they are going to have to face setbacks, failure and disappointment. We can’t prepare them for those times if we shield them or stifle their experiences or handle things for them. In her book “Rising Strong”, Brene Brown says: “… embracing failure without acknowledging the real hurt and fear that it can cause, or the complex journey that underlies rising strong, is gold-plating grit. To strip failure of its real emotional consequences is to scrub the concepts of grit and resilience of the very qualities that make them both so important – toughness, doggedness and perseverance.” Our children are going to experience hard times. As much as we may want to breeze right over it, our job is to help our children navigate the path, feel the feelings and offer them unconditional love along the way. We need to support them as they face the challenge head on and figure out their own way to move through it. There will be a lot of “first steps” in your child’s life. We need to remember all the events, the stumbles and the falls that lead up to taking that next “first step” Just as it was when they were a baby trying to maintain their balance, we need to continue to support them all the same, offering our hand to pick them up, drying their tears when they fall and waiting with open arms to celebrate their success. Heart-FULLy Yours, Kacey p.s. You may be thinking, the blog is great, but I could never do that! I disagree and am here to help! Let’s schedule a 30 minute consultation to define what matters most to you right now and create a plan on how to spend more of your time doing that. Email me at balancedheartcoaching@gmail.com and we’ll work out the details. p.p.s. You can now get my blog in your inbox whenever I post! Sign up at the top of the page with your email and my blog will be delivered directly to your inbox.
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 “Knock Knock”
“Who’s there?” “Interrupting dog.” “Interrupting do..” ”Ruff ruff ruff ruff.” Ah they got me again. Of course I’ve heard this one before, but it had been a while and I walked right into it. It was interesting timing because earlier in the week I had been reading a few different articles about everyday interruptions and multi-tasking. Multi-tasking has become the new, and expected, normal and it goes to a whole different level if you are a mom. I have been a proud multi-tasker for many years. Make the lunches, empty the dishwasher, fire off spelling words, put cereal in a bowl and find whatever is “missing” all at once – that’s not multi-tasking, that’s Wednesday morning at my house. But recent studies show that multi-tasking may not be something to brag about after all. We have become an “always on” society. We expect to be able to find anything at anytime from anywhere and it is evident in all areas of our lives. At work, even though I am in a meeting, it is perfectly acceptable for someone to “ask a quick question” via instant messenger. I have been known to finish typing an email on one subject and carry on a conversation regarding another subject at the same time. In fact, if I didn’t multi-task at work, I would probably add 2-3 hours of work to my day just to get everything done. At home it’s very, very rare that you can do any one thing without being interrupted and/or having to do something else at the same time. I don’t have to list any examples, I’m sure that you have plenty you can think of from your own lives. The problem is that no matter how good I might think I am at multi-tasking, science says otherwise. Studies have shown that multi-tasking can actually increase the amount of time it takes to complete a task, sometimes as much as 25% more. In other words all the time that I think I am saving by doing multiple things at once, I may actually be extending the amount of time it takes to work on them. That’s a valid point. No one multi-tasks with the intention of taking longer to complete something. Ever since I read that I’ve been trying to re-evaluate the tasks that I do at the same time and try to stop myself in situations where I could possibly be adding more time. It’s not easy, but even if I can “single task” one time during the day, I count that as a win. There’s another element of multi-tasking that we haven’t really touched on. When you are doing multiple things at once, you are dividing your attention among those things as well. When we are talking about tasks (laundry, dishes, making dinner, cleaning) dividing your attention is difficult, but possible. When we add people into the mix of multi-tasking, things change exponentially. If I am making dinner and helping with homework, am I really helping my child in the best possible way? Or when you are with a friend, you think nothing of checking your phone (even if it is just a quick glance). We are so used to multi-tasking, that when we try to single task it is uncomfortable. We are so used to multi-tasking, that we no longer see it as an interruption. Our relationships with each other deserve our full, undivided attention and we can’t do that if we are constantly distracted by interrupting dogs. Heart-FULLy Yours, Kacey p.s. You may be thinking, the blog is great, but I could never do that! I disagree and am here to help! Let’s schedule a 30 minute consultation to define what matters most to you right now and create a plan on how to spend more of your time doing that. Email me at balancedheartcoaching@gmail.com and we’ll work out the details. p.p.s. You can now get my blog in your inbox whenever I post! Sign up at the top of the page with your email and my blog will be delivered directly to your inbox.  When my daughter was a few months old, my husband built a little white fence around our back patio. It had a little gate to keep her from the pool and a built in bench for us to sit on. We spent many mornings and afternoon on the patio. The little white fence created the perfect area for us to play and spend time outside. Last week, almost ten years later, my daughter and I were back on the patio. This time we had paint brushes in our hands, ready to give the little white fence and bench a fresh coat of paint. We haven’t lived in this house for seven years, but there are reminders of our time here all around. The lemon tree we planted never produced one lemon in three years, but now the branches are dripping with lemons waiting to ripen. Our next door neighbor is still as sweet as can be and welcomes us as if she just saw us yesterday. The mesquite tree I trimmed when I was eight months pregnant (I think I was nesting, literally) is now taller than I can reach. The pedestal sink brought with us from California, is still the perfect finishing touch in the downstairs bathroom.
We picked up our paint rollers and put a fresh coat of white paint over the bench and the top of the fence. It looked better, fresher and hopefully just the right touch for a prospective buyer. Tired of painting, my daughter retreated back into the house. I looked closer and saw that the job was really not done. By painting only the top, the slats now looked a dirty and the chips more pronounced. I took my roller and added a fresh coat of paint to each of the slats. Pressed for time, I painted over the chips and cracks, knowing that the fresh paint would help them blend in. The paint covered them but if you looked close enough you could see them beneath the surface. It made me think about how easy it is to paint over our feelings. Instead of taking the time to look at the crack, figure out what caused it and fix the source, it’s much easier to keep on going, gloss over it and pretend it’s not there. Eventually the sun, rain and wind will cause the paint on the fence to fade. The chips and cracks will surface again, more pronounced this time and a little harder to cover up. How many of us go through our days/weeks/months putting on fresh coats of paint, but never really fixing the source of the chip or crack? After I finish, I look around once again. This house is still full of wonderful memories, but there is also a piece of me that feels like it was a long time ago. Though it’s still ours in name, it’s no longer ours in spirit. I think about how much we love our new neighborhood, our new neighbors and all the hours I’ve saved not having to commute eighty miles a day. When we moved it was hard. We had so many firsts in this house, so many memories. It would have been easy to hold back and stay in our comfort zone, but we knew deep down that moving was the right thing to do. Even when there were signs telling us to stay, the real estate market shifted and instead of selling we became landlords, we stuck with our gut and took a leap of faith. What is your gut telling you - is it time to take a leap? Heart-FULLy Yours, Kacey p.s. You may be thinking, the blog is great, but I could never do that! I disagree and am here to help! Let’s schedule a 30 minute consultation to define what matters most to you right now and create a plan on how to spend more of your time doing that. Email me at balancedheartcoaching@gmail.com and we’ll work out the details. p.p.s. You can now get my blog in your inbox whenever I post! Sign up at the top of the page with your email and my blog will be delivered directly to your inbox.  I have to admit, I’ve been counting down to this post for a while now. I’m pretty excited because this is post #100! I feel like my kids at their 100th day of school celebration (yes, that is now a yearly event), excited to reflect on all the days that have passed in order to get to today. Some of you may know, it all started two years ago when I had an idea for a book. I spent a couple months, an hour or two here and there, writing it. I showed it to a couple people and while they liked the content, I knew I had a long way to go. I couldn’t help but think that I needed to share these ideas with the world sooner rather than later. I wanted to share my experiences, start a conversation with other parents and get their feedback on what was working and what was not. One day while talking to a friend, the idea of a blog came up. I couldn’t get the thought out of my mind, but I knew nothing about blogging. I researched it for a couple days, put together a page on blogspot and went for it.
My first post talked about an experience that I had with my daughter where I was trying to teach her about emotions and how they impact our moods, attitudes and those around us. At the time, that was my goal – I wanted to bring what I considered spiritual practices, into a language that children would understand. Over the last two years, I’ve learned so much and now would replace the word spiritual with the word mindful. I followed the first blog with pushing the pause button. A couple weeks after that I introduced the Drama Scale, as a way to talk to my daughter about the sometimes petty nature of young girls. I was encouraged to hear that many of you successfully incorporated the Drama Scale into your conversations with your own daughters, allowing them to open up about a very difficult social topic. I made it a point to post early on Saturday morning, because I figured that it would be an easy read with your morning coffee, before your day got too crazy. I have to admit, some days it was hard to meet that deadline, either the comfort of my bed or the burden of writers block, got the best of me. On those days a few of you reached out to me – where’s the blog? It was at that point I knew I couldn’t stop, so I recommitted to posting consistently. Many of my posts are based on things I read like This is not a test and of course the time I met one of my favorite authors Dr. Shefali. I’ve also been able to share some of my biggest lessons, like how important is it not to keep score, which I blogged about twice in Not Fair and Keeping Score. I could go on and on listing my favorites, your favorites and the ones I thought were great, but fell a little flat. But after 99 posts, I’ve learned two things. First, it is possible to teach children to be mindful of their emotions. Not only can you teach them, but it is possible for them to put it into practice, to stop themselves (before they blow up at their sibling) and remove themselves from the situation. It doesn’t happen every time or even every day, but if you stick with it and keep having the conversations, you will see a difference. The second thing, and maybe more important, I’ve learned that as much as we want to make it about our children, we won’t get anywhere if we don’t first focus on ourselves. It’s so easy as a parent to put everyone and everything before ourselves, but in order to truly be the best parent you can be, you must take care of yourself, no exceptions. Thank you all for reading my words over these 100 posts. Time is precious and I am honored that you spend a little bit of your time reading my words. Every week I sign the blog, Heart-FULLy yours, because writing this blog, sharing these stories with you, makes my heart full. We are stronger together, supporting each other. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to support you and for supporting me in return. Here’s to the next 100! Heart-FULLy Yours, Kacey p.s. You may be thinking, the blog is great, but I could never do that! I disagree and am here to help! Let’s schedule a 30 minute consultation to define what matters most to you right now and create a plan on how to spend more of your time doing that. Email me at balancedheartcoaching@gmail.com and we’ll work out the details. p.p.s. You can now get my blog in your inbox whenever I post! Sign up at the top of the page with your email and my blog will be delivered directly to your inbox.  I wish I had had the peace of mind to write this to my husband years ago:
Honey, I know this may seem weird for me to write you this letter, but I wasn’t sure how else to bring this up. You’ve been spending a lot of time with a new girl, at first I thought I would be ok with it but now to be honest, it’s getting harder. I’ve watched you two together and she brings out the best in you. All the things I fell in love with, your kindness, tenderness and silliness, I see her bringing that in you and it makes me so happy. But as weird as it sounds, I’m feeling a little bit jealous too. I used to be your number one girl and now there are days when I feel our daughter has taken that place from me. That sounds so ridiculous! I feel so dumb “saying” that out loud, how can I be jealous of the time that you spend with our daughter? I blame the lack of sleep and all the crazy hormones that are still running through my body, but things are different in a way that I didn’t expect. We don’t have as much time together any more. It seems like we get home, rush through dinner, playtime, bath time and then when it’s finally time for us, I can barely keep my eyes open. I don’t remember our nights being so short – what happened? Sixty minutes goes by so much faster now - how does one little baby have that power? I also don’t remember having so much to do! It seems like whenever we are home there is always laundry or dishes or cleaning or something else that we should be doing. You are so great with her to play with her and read to her, but while you are doing that I feel this crazy compulsion to clean the kitchen or start a load of laundry. What I really want to do is sit on the floor playing with you two but the guilt of not “doing” gets the best of me. I guess what I am trying to say is that I need your help emotionally and physically. I need you to be patient with me, to talk to me and reassure me that you still love me, that I might not be your #1 girl, but I’m your #1 woman and partner. I need to hear it. I need to feel it – I need one or two of those hugs and kisses you shower on our daughter, showered on me. I know this may seem silly to you, and possibly a little irrational, but being rational is not really my strong point right now. I need more of your help around the house. You do a great job, but in my sleep deprived state I’d feel a lot better knowing that there were things that I didn’t have to worry about (i.e. like washing the bottles or packing the bag for the next morning). There are days when I feel like I have a huge list to do without the time or the energy to get it all done. Sometimes it feels like by becoming a mom I now have the weight of the world on my shoulders, that everything falls on me. I know that it’s probably just in my head, I’m working on it and trying to figure it all out. I need to work on feeling that I have to do all the things that I used to do and more. I need to work on the fact that now there are little things that make me freak out when they never did before. We have been given a wonderful gift. Our daughter is more than I could have ever hoped she would be. You are so incredible with her! You have been such a great daddy, which is why I feel so bad even bringing this up. I wouldn’t change anything about your relationship with her. I would love nothing more for the three of us to just be in a bubble and play and not worry about the outside world….. I keep telling myself that being a family of three is still new to us, we are still adjusting, figuring out our new roles and how to function as three, instead of two. I know that we need to give ourselves time and be patient but it’s hard. Change is hard and if I’m being honest, sometimes I miss how it was before (long dinners out and a movie seems like an eternity ago). We are now creating our new normal. We may have to sacrifice some things (no more sleeping until noon on the weekends), but we will also create some new things too (family adventures to the park). What do you think? How are you feeling? Is this what you expected? We talk a lot about the baby and the things that need to get done, but I want to make sure that we are talking about ourselves too, no matter how selfish it might seem on the surface. Thank you for reading, just writing all this down on paper makes me feel a little less insane :-) . I love you, I love us and I love our little family. <3, Kacey Heart-FULLy Yours, Kacey |
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AuthorI started writing this blog because I wanted to have deeper conversations beyond "How are you?", "Busy", with other parents. Over the years I've shared personal stories, articles, authors and topics to facilitate conversations with parents about the joys and the challenges of parenting. |
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© 2021 Balanced Heart Coaching
Disclaimer: I may receive affiliate compensation from the resources and websites mentioned on this website.
© 2021 Balanced Heart Coaching