 Ask any parent, what is their biggest responsibility and they would answer keeping my child safe. When you hold that little baby in your arms for the very first time, your instinct is to protect them at all costs. You may even whisper in their ear “I’m never going to let anything happen to you.” This is certainly and required while they are infants, but as they become mobile, the definitions and boundaries around keeping our kids safe starts to change. If you think about it, as they grow and start to explore our grip on their safety should start to loosen. Instead, we hover over our children, never leaving their side on the playground or while riding a bike or playing with a friend. We think that if we are not watching them at all times, we are being careless instead of diligent. In fact, you may look at the picture above and think – why is she riding out on that road all alone? The road is so narrow, how will a car see her? Where are her parents? And finally - I would never allow my daughter to ride on a road like that!
In her book, “How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success”, Julie Lythcott-Haims discusses modern parenting’s concern for child safety, specifically the fear of “stranger danger”. She quotes a study done by the U.S. Justice Department, where in 2002 an estimated 797,500 children were reported missing. Of those, only 115 were the victims of long-term, non-familial abductions. In 2014 the population of the U.S. included 74 million children, so when you look at those numbers, 115 out of 74,000,000 the chances of your child being abducted by a stranger are infinitesimal. However, no matter what the numbers say, the fear of stranger danger impacts daily decisions parents make for their children. Many parents insist on supervising their child playing outside or riding their bike in the neighborhood or walking to school. Lythcott-Haims argues that it’s these little rites of passage outside of the home that allow children to develop independence to figure things out and to learn to trust their own instincts. As a former Dean of Admissions at Stanford, she observed incoming Freshman and studied the characteristics of these students. In the book, she discusses how helicopter parenting and overparenting is hindering young adults as they start college completely unprepared to figure things out for themselves. Many parents have been so “helpful” to their children that they have not learned how to be independent. How do we make sure that our children develop their independence while keeping them safe? While guiding them to learn to do things for themselves? While encouraging them to try the things that they think they can’t do and to not be afraid to fail, to not be afraid of what “might” happen? To enjoy the present moment and celebrate it fully. What is the balance between safety and letting go? Yesterday I received an email, within which it said “In Latin, parent means “bringing forth””. When you think about those words, bringing forth, you can visualize pulling something from the child that’s already within them, you are just helping it come out. Is that how you think about parenting? It seems like somewhere over the years we have transitioned bringing forth from the child’s perspective to the adult’s perspective. How much can the parent bring forth and do for the child? We’ve gotten it a little backwards. We need to return to the perspective where the parent is bringing forth independence, free-thinking and resilience in our children. We need to set aside our fears of safety and allow our child to fall, so that they can learn how to get back up. They need to learn how to experiment in new situations where the outcome is unknown and be open to seeing what happens. We need to give them a little more freedom to figure things out for themselves. It’s not easy to sit on the sidelines and not interject, especially when you can see what is going to happen, but it is the only way they are going to learn. We can’t let our fear of “what if”, hold them back. What are you bringing forth in your child? Heart-FULLy Yours, Kacey Don’t miss a post – sign up to receive the blog in your inbox every week. Scroll to the top of the page and you’ll see a box to enter your email in the upper right side of the page.
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 Today is a big day in our family – my sister is getting married! In a time when traditions are ever changing and evolving, weddings have remained an event unlike any other. Family and friends travel from miles away to celebrate the union of two people. Two people who have chosen to merge their lives to form one. From this day forward, they will approach the world differently, knowing there is always someone in their corner. Knowing there will always be someone who will share the responsibilities with so that the weight of “life” will now fall squarely on four shoulders instead of two.
A wedding is not only the joining of two individuals, but also the connecting of two families. Two families that previously did not know each other, come together in the name of love and form a unique bond. In fact, everyone in attendance, family and friends are there not only as witnesses to this special occasion, but as a promise to support this couple. Throughout the ceremony and reception, people will sit with others they have never met before. In our daily lives, meeting a stranger can be awkward. We may be reluctant to speak to them, choosing instead to carry on with our day. But at a wedding, people walk in “strangers” and leave friends. You have an instant connection. When you meet the other guests, you get to skip all the formalities, if you are a friend of the couple, you are a friend of mine. Love brings us all together and along with it comes instant acceptance. It makes me wonder what would happen if we approached every stranger we met as if we were both guests at a wedding? And then after all the formality and tradition, it will be time to dance. Everyone will be able to let loose and have fun. In a day that will be filled with so many joyful moments, when the dancing begins it will be a joy explosion. For so many of us, dancing is not something we do on a regular basis and that is a shame. People dancing together create an undeniable and contagious energy that makes it impossible not to smile and want to be a part of it. The sun is starting to come up and this sleeping house will be waking up soon, so I have to wrap this up. You may not be going to a wedding like I am, but the thoughts and feelings can still apply to you today: Life is meant to be shared with family and friends. Greet a stranger as if you have friends in common. Turn up the music and dance. Love always wins. Heart-FULLy and Joy-FULLy Yours, Kacey Don’t miss a post – sign up to receive the blog in your inbox every week. Scroll to the top of the page and you’ll see a box to enter your email in the upper right side of the page.  Last week we went out to eat at a local restaurant we’ve only been to a couple times. We were taken around the corner to a back booth and I didn’t give it much thought. The restaurant was loud and TV’s were showing baseball games from around the country. Needless to say, there was a lot of activity. It wasn’t until after we sat down and had our drinks that I realized we had been placed in the “kids” section. This is the section of the restaurant usually in the back corner where they stick all the families with children. I’m sure their reasoning is that we will be more understanding of each other while at the same time not bothering the guests without children.
The table next to us had two young toddlers and a baby. Their booth was bigger, so the toddlers were running on the seats, shrieking and having fun like only toddlers can. A glass of water was knocked over, dousing one of the adults in the process. Stern words were spoken, but were ineffective as minutes later another glass of water was spilled. As a parent, I empathized with the mother and other adults at the table. I remember how challenging it was to try to reign in an active toddler, who didn’t want to sit still in a restaurant. In those days, all I wanted was a night off from cooking and a (hopefully) hot meal so I was willing to take on the challenge to entertain my toddler for an hour. I have to admit that listening to what going on in the booth behind me, I couldn’t help but be relieved we were past that stage. This encounter got me thinking about how important it is for us to put our children in new, uncomfortable situations. You may be worried about taking a toddler to a restaurant or on a plane because you are afraid of how they are going to act. It might seem easier to avoid taking them out until they are older and while that is an option, it’s not one I believe is always feasible (or necessary). When you expose them to new environments from an early age, they start to slowly understand the world outside your home. Children learn by observation and by doing. When they see how you act differently at the park compared to a restaurant, they take that in and start processing it. They slowly start to understand different scenarios require different behavior. They watch and absorb instinctively, learning along the way. The challenge is you must put them in these environments multiple times before they will understand the nuance of their expected behaviors. There’s no magic spell, you can’t just snap your fingers and have a perfectly behaved child in public. However, if you can approach the situation knowing they are learning and knowing they are watching you for cues, your experience will be better. If you can stay calm and patient, they are more likely to be calm. You also must watch for their cues as well. If they are overtired or hungry, it’s going to be harder for them to control themselves, so you may need to adjust your expectations or how you handle the situation. The key is not to get discouraged. Some outings will be great and some will be complete disasters, but you have to keep trying. These are just the beginning steps of going outside of what is known at home and learning to explore outside of their comfort zone. Starting small and starting early will give them to confidence to approach any new experience with excitement, anticipation and good manners. Heart-FULLy Yours, Kacey Don’t miss a post – sign up to receive the blog in your inbox every week. Scroll to the top of the page and you’ll see a box to enter your email in the upper right side of the page.  The other night before bed, my twelve-year-old daughter asked, “Have you ever regretted something?”. I took a minute to think about it and then replied “Yes, I suppose there are some things I’ve regretted. However, in my class I’ve been taking with Dr. Shefali, she says we shouldn’t regret anything.” My daughter frowned a little, so I continued. “Whatever we regret is in the past. There is nothing we can do to change it. Many people get stuck regretting an event, thinking about it over and over again, wishing for it to be different. But all that thinking, wishing and regretting really doesn’t do you any good.”
She thought about what I said. I can tell there is a specific situation in her head she is trying to apply this to, yet she isn’t ready to share the details with me. I resisted my instinct to ask more questions and get the details out of her. (I know this is hard for many parents because we want our kids to tell us everything. We want to know what’s going on in their lives and with their friends. But as we approach the teenage years, we also need to allow them to go and figure things out for themselves. If we become too desperate for details, the opposite will happen and they’ll start holding back from us.) We sat in silence for what seems like a while, but was probably only about thirty seconds. I said “You did what you thought was the best thing to do in that moment. Now that you look back, maybe you see there was another option, but at the time you were doing the best you could do. Right now, I think there are two things you can do. You can learn from this experience and remember it, so that next time you handle the situation differently. Or you can talk to the person and say you are sorry. Apologizing is not going to erase what happened, but it's your chance to tell the other person you wish you had handled it differently.” I could tell that neither option was particularly appealing to her in the moment, but I had given her something to think about. I asked her if this made sense and she said yes. I asked her if there was any more she wanted to talk about and she said no, so I let it go, but I have a strong feeling we’re not done talking about this situation. So many times, we think we’ll teach our child something and then we get to check it off the list. Walking? Check. Ride a bike? Check. Memorize multiplication tables? Check. But then as they get older, you realize the things you are teaching them are lifelong lessons. There is no box to check, in fact you may still be working through a similar situation. Are you holding onto regret about something you can no longer change? What will it take to move forward - are you ready to learn from it and let it go, or do you need to reach out and apologize? Heart-FULLy Yours, Kacey Don’t miss a post – sign up to receive the blog in your inbox every week. Scroll to the top of the page and you’ll see a box to enter your email in the upper right side of the page. |
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AuthorI started writing this blog because I wanted to have deeper conversations beyond "How are you?", "Busy", with other parents. Over the years I've shared personal stories, articles, authors and topics to facilitate conversations with parents about the joys and the challenges of parenting. |
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© 2021 Balanced Heart Coaching
Disclaimer: I may receive affiliate compensation from the resources and websites mentioned on this website.
© 2021 Balanced Heart Coaching