 “Mom!” my son yelled from upstairs.
“Come up here, I’m done packing! He met me at the top of the stairs with a huge grin on his face. He had been looking forward to our annual Thanksgiving trip all week and now that we were one day closer he couldn’t contain his excitement. His still pudgy little hand grabbed mine and practically dragged me to his room at the end of the hall. “I did it all by myself!” As we rounded the corner into his room I could see his suitcase, piled high with all the things he wanted to bring on our four-day trip to Los Angeles. “Can you help me close it?” he looked up at me with his big brown eyes as only a hopeful four-year-old could. “Well let’s see what you got in there first. We may have to move somethings around.” To his credit he did include some of the essentials like socks, underwear, pajamas and a stack of t-shirts taken straight from his drawer. Also included in the stack were two stuffed animals, a few books and of course his blankie. “You did a great job buddy. Did you pack any shorts?” “Yep, one pair at the bottom!” “Well I know we’re going to have to pack your nice clothes for Thanksgiving dinner. Can I put those in there and move some things around so it all fits?” “Sure Mom. I’m going to go check on Dad.” and off he ran. Often new parents are surprised at how young our kids are when they start to make their preferences known. Not only did my son want to show how grown up he was by packing his own suitcase, but he also wanted the control to make sure the things HE wanted were packed. He was going away from home and he wanted to make sure he had the things that were important to him. Our kids also know from an early age that they can express their true self through their clothing. You may buy their clothes but if they don’t like the color or texture or pattern, you may find that it ends up left in the drawer at the end of the week. Naively I thought it wouldn’t be until the teenage years that my kids would start to assert their clothing preferences, but it actually started happening about ten years before. So, what’s a parent to do? Many parents feel this is one of those instances where you pick your battles situation - is it worth the stress and anguish to argue over the color of a shirt? Probably not, so we give in and allow our kids to start picking their own clothes according to their own style. Now, in keeping with the travel theme, I want to give you another scenario to think about: The calming, steady hum of the jetliner did nothing to curb my excitement. Sitting in an airline seat with only yourself to worry about is better than your favorite present on Christmas Day. When you’ve traveled with little kids, you appreciate the tranquility of traveling alone. My excitement was building because once the plane landed, I was going to do something I had never done before. I was traveling thousands of miles, alone, to spend the weekend with a group of people I had only chatted with on Facebook. It was both nerve-wracking and exciting to me. As I sat restlessly in my seat, I was reminded of the saying “It’s the journey, not the destination.” How could the time in the plane was more important than attending than the parenting conference that waited for me once we landed? I thought about all the people on the plane. Everyone on the flight was traveling for a different reason. We all had our own plans, our own way of arriving at our final destination, wherever and however that may be. At no point did anyone on the flight turn to the person across the aisle and say, “I know you have your own plans, but I really think you should come with me because my plans are better than yours.” That would be ridiculous, right? But how often to do we do that to our children (or our spouse/family/friends), coaxing them in the direction we think is right? We think we are being helpful. We think since we have been down this road before, it is our duty to share our wisdom, so the same mistakes aren’t made. But what if they need to see it for themselves so they can experience it, learn from it and then grow in their own unique way? Mentally we know it is the journey that counts, but it is often difficult to remember when we are in the middle of our road or watching someone stumble their own road. We look for ways to make the journey easier. We look to alleviate the pain or challenges we might face along the way. As much as we tell ourselves it’s about the journey, it’s challenging not to be in a hurry to get to the destination. We have the best intentions for our kids. We believe we know what they should pack and where they should be headed. It’s hard for us to remember our kids are on their own journey. Our instinct is to persuade them to go towards a destination of our choosing, instead we must give them the tools to follow their interests. We worry if they don’t do things the way we think they should, they won’t be successful. But on the flip side, if they follow what they think we want, they won’t be staying true to who they are. This may be the hardest thing we have to do as parents, we love our children and we think we know what is best for them, but in the end it is their journey and we are just a friendly guide along the road. Heart-FULLy Yours, Kacey Don’t miss a post – sign up to receive the blog in your inbox every week. Scroll to the top of the page and you’ll see a box to enter your email in the upper right side of the page.
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 As a young parent, I wondered how I would teach my kids about the value of money. This was important to me for two reasons. One, I wanted to make sure they appreciated and valued the things we had and the hard work behind being able to buy them. Two, I thought I needed to instill in them the right amount knowledge, so they would understand the value saving, be able to manage their money and not get sucked into credit card debit like so many young adults do. Did I mention they were around five or six years old when I was having these thoughts? I figured I had to start early, otherwise they could end up in financial disaster by the time they were twenty-five.
Enter the Book Fair. My daughter was in first grade when she went to her first book fair. The school masterfully allows the children to “pre-shop” the book fair, so they can see all that will be offered, and they can preplan what they will buy. My daughter diligently wrote down the list of books she wanted, five in all, along with a poster she couldn’t live without. The total for the things she wanted was over thirty dollars and so we sat down and had a good talk about money. She agreed she could live without a couple things on her list and we negotiated to a reasonable fifteen-dollar purchase. The morning of the book fair came, and I only had a twenty-dollar bill. I stuck the money into an envelope and wrote her name on the front. When I picked her up later that afternoon, I noticed a poster next to her backpack. She was so excited to show me how cute the puppies were, wouldn’t this look so cute in her room! When we got home she proudly showed me her purchases, which included a couple small things we hadn’t talked about. I found the envelope I had sent with her and when I opened it up, it was empty. I asked her where the left-over money was, and she innocently said, there was no money left over. What a naïve parent I was. I had no idea the power of the book fair. They strategically have erasers, pencils, bookmarks and irresistible toys priced at a dollar or two or three. Instead of putting the left-over money back in the envelope, these items make it so easy to spend the last little bit of money on one last treasure. My daughter was proud she had maximized the money by purchasing several things. When young kids have the chance to purchase something on their own, I’ve found their instinct is to buy a lot of little things. They enjoy feeling old enough to make their own decisions and the more they have to show for it the better. It’s been a few years since that story took place and for the last few years I’ve been working as a volunteer at the book fair. I love seeing the kids pick out a new favorite book and pulling out their envelope of money. I watch their eyes light up when I hand then a dollar or two in change as they realize they have enough to buy one more thing. I laugh to myself wondering if the mom or dad on the other end will be surprised when the envelope comes home empty. I hope they realize teaching kids about money doesn’t happen in the experience of one book fair. It’s a process, over many years. Resist the urge to let one book fair, where their budget was maxed out, lead you to the conclusion they’ll be terrible with money their whole life. Heart-FULLy Yours, Kacey Don’t miss a post – sign up to receive the blog in your inbox every week. Scroll to the top of the page and you’ll see a box to enter your email in the upper right side of the page.  Originally posted 7/26/14
I’ve been reading an incredible book by Jill Bolte Taylor called My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientists Personal Journey. If you’ve ever known anyone who had a stroke or just wanted to learn more about left brain vs. right brain; it’s a great book. At one point she talks about how our emotional responses (anger, fear, frustration, etc.) to specific events/triggers are repeated over time. The result is we train our brain to respond in such a way that it happens automatically. She goes on to say: “it takes less than 90 seconds for one of these programs to be triggered, surge through our body, and then be completely flushed out of our blood stream.” Think about that - 90 seconds. Everyday emotional reactions, i.e. getting cut off by another driver, the frustration of something/anything going wrong throughout the day, starts and ends within 90 seconds. The chemical reaction lasts 90 seconds and then it’s out of your blood stream. The next question is, how much longer does that emotion live inside you? For most of us after that first 90 seconds you start replaying it in your brain, over and over again. Maybe you get distracted by work or the kids, but later in the day it pops back into your head and the emotion comes surging back. You relive it. Replay it. Analyze it over and over again. Why do we do that? The event is over and done. The chemical reaction ended after 90 seconds, it’s that voice in our head that is keeping it alive. The powerful truth is that it doesn’t have to be like that, you have the power to change. You can rewire your brain so that when your blood stream releases the chemical reaction after 90 seconds, your brain does too. It’s not easy, but it is definitely possible, it just takes practice. The next time you find yourself continuing to replay an event in your head, stop and ask yourself – why am I continuing to think about this? Why does this bother me so much? Is there anything I can do differently to avoid/change this in the future? If you can get to the heart of the “why” the answer is often right in front of you. When you realize why, then you can take the next step to resolve it. When you resolve it, your perspective will shift along with your emotional reaction. It’s no longer automatic. You’ve literally rewired the neurons in your brain to react differently (or not react at all). Towards the end of the book, she includes a powerful quote from Einstein: “I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be.” We often make excuses for our emotional reactions by saying – I can’t change, that’s just who I am. The reality is that our brain has an amazing ability to retrain itself and learn new things. By increasing your awareness, and a little practice, we can change our reactions. The result may be that you gain more patience or finally let go of that fear or you just stop worrying about every little thing. Then when the chemicals are released after 90 seconds, the voice in your head is able to do the same. Heart-FULLy Yours, Kacey Don’t miss a post – sign up to receive the blog in your inbox every week. Scroll to the top of the page and you’ll see a box to enter your email in the upper right side of the page.  Originally posted 9/5/13
I am not the first person to write about this topic and I certainly will not be the last. It is something we all know that we are guilty of, yet every day we continue to do it. Any guesses? Time flies and with each passing day/week/month there is something that you wanted to do but didn’t have the time. I’m going to call that something, or things, “it”. Why is this concept so incredibly hard? There are books, articles, Facebook posts and inspirational pins reminding daily us of how precious time is, yet I’m sure it would take you 10 seconds name at least one “it” that you weren’t able to get to this week. And just to be clear, I’m not talking about chores or requirements when I’m referring to “it”. It is the phone call, the email, the get-well card, the lunch date, the yoga class, the “you-name-it”, that gets edged out when everyday life happens. So, what can you do? You do the impossible…..you create time. Sure, you may not be able to add another hour to the day, but when you make the commitment to yourself to get “it” done, you can discover time where there appeared to be none. The surprising thing is that most “its” don’t have to take a lot of time. If you’ve been wanting to reach out and say hi to someone, send them a quick text, thinking of u. Or call them during your commute/dance lessons/soccer practice. If they don’t answer, leave a message that will bring a smile to their face. We often wait for the perfect time to do “it” and the longer we wait for that perfect time, the more time passes, and “it” doesn’t get done. This week I did something completely out of character. I took a half day in the middle of the week (insert jaw drop). I went to the school and pulled my son out at lunch time (insert second jaw drop). Then we went to a baseball game. In the middle of the day. While my inbox was filling up. While meetings were happening without me. While his class practiced writing the letter “T”. We cheered on the team, got a game ball, ate a giant cookie and watched in wide eyed wonder as the players walked just feet in front of us. “It” was worth every second. I realize that my example is a pretty big “it”, but in all honesty without the nudge from my boss, I wouldn’t have done “it”. I proved to myself that the time is there, you just have to make “it” the priority. “It” may cause you to juggle some things, or work a different schedule, but the feeling you get when you do “it” is beyond words. The things that keep you busy will come and go, but the connections you make with the people in your life live in your heart forever. What “it” will you do today? Heart-FULLy Yours, Kacey Don’t miss a post – sign up to receive the blog in your inbox every week. Scroll to the top of the page and you’ll see a box to enter your email in the upper right side of the page.  The topic of children listening came up in multiple conversations I had this week, so I decided to go to my Facebook Balanced Heart Moms Group to see what they thought. I posted the following poll question:
“Do your kids listen to you?” Yes = 5 No = 1 Sometimes = 17 The interesting thing is when I posted the question, I only posted Yes or No as the options to choose. One of the other members of the group added “Sometimes”, which as you can see became the most popular answer. So, I asked another question in the comments “Sometimes they listen the 1st time? Or sometimes they listen the 3rd or 4th or 5th time?” One mama replied, “Sometimes the first and sometimes the 3rd, 4th and 5th!” If we look at the numbers, 78% of the moms who replied don’t feel their children listen to them at least some of the time. This is obviously a hot button for many parents regardless of the age of their child. A few years ago I posted a blog entitled “Are You Listening?” where I explored the idea of whether or not we had actually taught our children how to listen. Today I want to explore why we think our children should listen using a couple of the situations I experienced this week. One example involved a sports team where the players were not listening to the coaches. Why should the kids be listening in this scenario? The coaches have knowledge of a skill the players are trying to learn. If the players listen and follow instructions, the players should improve their skills which should translate to winning games. If the players don’t execute the skills in the instructed way, they are “not listening”. Is it possible the players who are “not listening” do not understand what is being asked of them? Is it possible the “not listening” players do not have the hand eye coordination to execute the skill? Is it also possible that the players at this age do not all have the same motivation, that many of them have been signed up for these activities because their parents want them to do it? Is it possible the players are tired and hungry from a long day of sitting in the classroom? All of these are factors that come into play once they hit the practice field and have an impact on why they might not listen. A second example involves household chores. I will spare you the specific details as I’m sure you can fill the in with conversations you’ve had in your own house around this same topic. All you need to know is the conversation included the question “How many times do I have to ask in order for this to get done?”. Whether the chore is picking up clothes from the bedroom floor, putting backpacks in the right spot or rinsing dishes after they’ve been used, chances are sometimes your child listens and does it the first time and sometimes they do it after the 3rd or 4th or 5th time. Sometimes the child doesn’t do what you asked because they really weren’t listening when you said it. Sometimes they listen, but when it comes time to do what you asked they say, “I forgot” because they’ve gotten distracted doing something else. (If you want to read more about forgetful behavior, check out this article written by Deborah Godfrey.) Why should they be listening in this scenario? We try to teach our children to be responsible by asking them to pick up after themselves and help with things around the house. We believe we should only have to ask them once or twice and then they should remember. It’s easy for us to forget we have years of living on our own, picking up after ourselves and taking care of things we bought with money we worked hard for. Our children don’t have that perspective, the things that are important in their lives (friends, videos games, playing, school) are not the same as what is important in our lives. Here is where the hot button comes in, many parents feel if they are listening, the child will do what was asked. If they didn’t do what was asked, then they weren’t listening. Is it possible that they did in fact listen, they just didn’t do it? Is it possible it’s not as much about listening, but about our expectations of what will happen after they listen? One part of listening involves hearing what is said, but the other part involves responding in the manner we expect them to. When our kids fall short and don’t react they way we expect them to, we get frustrated and think they aren’t listening. As parents we see the big picture of how these actions will benefit our child in the short term and the long run. I know parents have the best of intentions. We are trying to prepare our kids for what is to come, but they can’t fully grasp what that means. They are more concerned with what happened earlier today at school or if they can figure out how to do their math homework. They aren’t worried about how messy their first apartment will be and we shouldn’t be either. Yes, today you might have to ask them to do something ten times. Today you might have to watch them do it to make sure that it gets done without them getting distracted. Today it might feel like they never listen to anything that you say. But they are. Your words and actions are sinking in and they don’t even realize it. The day will come when they pick up their clothes without being asked or use the right technique on the playing field or wash their dish without a reminder. That day might be tomorrow, or next week or in three years, you’ll never know when the day will come, but it will. Until then, give yourself a break and take a deep breath. Don’t worry so much about listening, rather connect with the nature of your child and let that guide you to getting the results you are looking for. Heart-FULLy Yours, Kacey Don’t miss a post – sign up to receive the blog in your inbox every week. Scroll to the top of the page and you’ll see a box to enter your email in the upper right side of the page. |
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AuthorI started writing this blog because I wanted to have deeper conversations beyond "How are you?", "Busy", with other parents. Over the years I've shared personal stories, articles, authors and topics to facilitate conversations with parents about the joys and the challenges of parenting. |
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© 2021 Balanced Heart Coaching
Disclaimer: I may receive affiliate compensation from the resources and websites mentioned on this website.
© 2021 Balanced Heart Coaching