A “normal” Saturday for me usually involves spending most of my day running from store to store, shuttling my kids to practice, a friend’s house or to the mall. However, yesterday was not a “normal” Saturday. I left the house at 11:30am, didn’t return until after 7pm and neither of the kids were with me. As I got ready to leave, I gave them a hug and said I’d be back after dinner, they looked at me with puzzled looks on their face.
 
“You’re going to be gone the whole day?”
 
“Yep, I sure am. See you later.”
 
Now, I’d be lying if I said I walked out of the house with zero guilt. Even after all these years, there’s a part of me that still feels like I should be spending more time with them. But it was important for me to do this for me, so off I went.
 
First, I went to get my hair cut, an appointment I booked months ago. As I sat there, I realized how luxurious, and completely underrated, it is to have someone else wash and dry your hair. One less thing for me to be responsible for, for one day. Until someone does it for you, it’s help you don’t fully acknowledge or appreciate.
 
Next, a friend opened her home so her friends could spend the afternoon enjoying fun, food and shopping. Like me, many of these women left children at home and all of them surely had other errands they could have been doing. Instead, they treated themselves to a day where women business owners not only shared their products, but their personal stories behind their passion. We made new friends and had a chance to support each other with our attention, time and money.
 
Lastly, I headed over to an event hosted by a local group I have following on social media for about a year. On their website, 4th Trimester Arizona describes themselves as a group founded to “support ALL parents, to be real about the challenges we face, talk about the stuff that never gets talked about, and connect our village to support each other.” In speaking with the members, they all embody this mission. We talked about how so many moms (and dads) don’t ask for help. They either don’t know it exists or they feel like they are the only ones who must be feeling this way, so they stay quiet. We talked about how everyone’s experience is valid and feeling like you have someone you can reach out to can make a huge difference. This group is ready to inspire a cultural revolution for all parents to have the resources and support they need at any stage in their parenting journey. I’m so excited to have connected with them and can’t wait to see how we can work together in the future.
 
How we spend our time is something I’ve written about numerous times. A big part of my parenting journey has been learning how to manage my time effectively and efficiently. I’ve learned to be extremely mindful about what I say yes to, because “yes” always means I’m saying no to something else. Yesterday that meant saying no to spending time with my kids, triggering feelings of guilt. On the surface I said yes to a little pampering, an afternoon with friends and a networking event, however that yes led to so much more It was a reminder of the support we all need. As we get ready for a new week, remember to ask for the help. No one expects you to do this alone. There are plenty of people surrounding you ready to provide you with the encouragement and support you need.
 
Heart-FULLy yours, 
Kacey

Photo by Neil Thomas on Unsplash

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Originally posted 11/8/16
 
We are all familiar with the phrase “it’s the journey, not the destination,” but as I sat on my flight to New York a couple weeks ago I had a hard time enjoying the flight when there was so much to look forward to when I landed. As I sat there, I started to think about all the people on the plane. We were all headed to the same airport, but that is where our destination similarities ended. Everyone on the flight was traveling for a different reason. They could have been just starting out or heading home. They could have been traveling for business or vacation, to visit family or to be alone. We all had our own plans, our own unique way of arriving at our final destination once we landed. 
 
What if the person across the aisle turned and said to you “I know you have your own plans, but you should come with me. Trust me, I’ve done this before, and my plans are better than yours.” That would be ridiculous, right? But how often to do we try to persuade our child (or our spouse/family/friends) to take the action we think is right? We think we are being helpful. We think that since we have been down this road before, it is our duty to share our wisdom so that the same mistakes aren’t made. But what if they need to see it for themselves so they can experience it, learn from it and then grow in their own unique way? 
 
Mentally we know it’s the journey that counts, but it’s difficult to remember when we are watching someone we love stumble. We look for ways to make their journey easier. We look to alleviate the pain or challenges we might face along the way. As much as we tell ourselves it’s about the journey, it’s hard not to offer shortcuts we think will help them to get to the destination faster. 
 
A couple weeks ago, Dr. Shefali opened the Evolve conference by talking about the process a caterpillar must go through to become a butterfly.  We’ve all heard the story before and have been so focused on the emergence of the butterfly, we overlook what it takes to get there. Maya Angelou said, “We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” Like a cocoon is to a butterfly, so is the journey to the destination. We can surround ourselves with all the outside support and love that we need, but in the end the journey is a unique, personal experience of transformation and growth.
 
Heart-FULLy yours, 
Kacey

p.s. Tickets for Dr. Shefali’s 2019 Evolve Conference are still available! It is one of my favorite weekends of the year, and I’d love to share my experience if you’d like to know more. I hope I’ll join me! Visit https://www.evolvewithdrshefali.com/ for ticket information.
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Photo by Suzanne D. Williams on Unsplash

Most weekday mornings I get up at 5 a.m. and go for a run. It’s not a long run, but it’s my chance to squeeze in at least some exercise before the day gets crazy. I’m not sure which part I love the most, the peacefulness of the neighborhood, the cool air or watching the sky change color with every stride. It’s my time to spend how ever I want, and I can do so because everyone else I know is still asleep.  
 
During one of my runs last week, I was listening to the Atomic Moms podcast. The guest was bestselling author Leslie Ann Bruce. They kicked off the conversation talking about embracing mom guilt. Bruce stated said she didn’t like concept of losing guilt or getting rid of guilt, that we’re never going to get over it. She went on to say “I think feeling guilty is a reminder that we really care a lot about our kids and our families and ourselves. If I didn’t feel guilty, I didn’t give as much of a crap. My guilty reminds me that I love my kids endlessly and I would do anything for them and anything that I try to do or fail at doing is because I am trying to do my best for them.” When I heard that I almost stopped running. In all my writing about mom guilt I had never considered that point of view.
 
What do you think, does it help you handle your guilt if you think of it as a reminder for how much you love your kids?
 
Every mom loves her kids and if guilt was universal, we would all feel guilty for doing (or not doing) the same things. Instead, some of us worry about not cooking all organic foods, while others worry more about sleep or spending more quality time together (which even that definition varies between moms). Our guilt stems from what we want to do for our kids, which is driven by our love for them.
 
When I talk to moms, much of their guilt stems from the word “enough”. I’m not doing enough. I don’t have enough time or enough patience. How can we embrace the phrase – “Enough IS enough”? The word enough is defined as “adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire”. This is where we all get stuck, we don’t want to be an adequate mom. We want to be excellent; we want to over perform; we want to give our all. But by definition when we do enough, it satisfies the need. We are meeting the requirements. Whatever you were able to do today is enough. If you were able to show up today for your kids, even if you are tired and cranky and gave them ice cream for all three meals was ENOUGH.
 
In her funny and relatable new book, you are a f*cking awesome mom: so embrace the chaos, get over the guilt, and be true to you, Leslie Ann Bruce dedicates an entire chapter to Mom Guilt. She shares personal stories about her pregnancy and when work caused her to miss her daughter crawling for the first time. At the end of the chapter she writes “I’ve learned to live with mom guilt. I recognize that it’s just a feeling and that my inability to be all things to all people isn’t going to permanently damage my child.”  Isn’t this what we all need, reassurance that our actions (or inaction) will not cause permanent damage? We know this logically, but in the moment, we let the guilt overtake us.
 
It may not be possible to get rid of mom guilt completely. Reading posts and hearing stories helps but are usually long forgotten when we are in the thick of it. So, the next time you are feeling guilty about something, call yourself out. It might be hours after the guilt started, but at some point, say to yourself “I feel guilty for this because _____.” Then, remind yourself you are doing all this because you love your kids. Remind yourself whatever you did today was enough. And then, let it go and move forward. Don’t waste any more of your precious brain power worrying about it.
 
Heart-FULLy yours, 
Kacey

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Photo by Jenn Evelyn-Ann on Unsplash

Saturday night, twenty-one-year-old Naomi Osaka, the number one tennis player in the world, defeated 15-year-old sensation Coco Gauff at the U.S. Open. Their match was highly anticipated, and the result was what many expected with Osaka winning easily over the younger player. But what she did next was completely unexpected. In an unprecedented move, she asked Coco to stay on the court with her and join her in the after-match interview. They shared the spotlight, complimenting and admiring each other’s games.
 
Naomi gave Coco the chance to leave the court with her head held high. I think about how different the feelings must have been for Coco. Instead of hurrying to get into the locker room where she could cry her tears of disappointment in private, she stayed on the court. Tears were shed, but she was praised by the number one player in the world.
 
Watching 15-year-old Coco I couldn’t help but think of how she could be my daughter. How would it feel to sit in the stands watching my daughter, who is almost fifteen, play in prime time, on the biggest stage of her career? How off the court she’s still fifteen, with hormones, insecurities and social stresses of the teenage years. But instead of walking back to the locker room, replaying the match, feeling the weight of the loss, I’d like to think she walked off feeling a little more hopeful. By staying on the court for the shared interview, the dynamic changed. When she finally left the court, she signed a few autographs autographs and likely heard shouts of encouragement from fans in the stands.
 
These touching moments seem few and far between in sports. Sports culture prioritizes competition, strength, fierceness and rivalry. While we hear of many good deeds done off the field by superstars helping their community, it’s rare that we see something like this happen on the playing surface.
 
When I first started writing, I couldn’t have pinpointed what it was about this moment that made it so special. And little while later, I found the word I was looking for – compassion. Naomi showed Coco pure compassion. She had been in that position and in the moment, it wasn’t about protocol or what should “normally” happen after a match.
 
Compassion is such a delicate, but powerful word. What would happen if we approached more people in our daily interactions with compassion? Not only the people we interact with in public or in our place of work, but also those that reside with us under our own roof. Yes, we love them with all our heart, but when they are on our last nerve or forget to do something for the millionth time, what if we could view the situation through the eyes of compassion for what they are going through? We think they know better and should do better. We must remember, no matter what their age, they are still growing, trying to make sense of big feelings. We don’t have to condone their behavior however if we view it through the eyes of compassion our entire experience will change.
 
Heart-FULLy yours, 
Kacey
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Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash